A means to an end?

Maybe its the exposure to the many different ethical views of people..
Maybe I'm tired of people treating me for granted..
Maybe I'm sick of getting disappointed by people
Maybe I'm just worn out from being an alternative.
Maybe I'm irritated by all the double standards
Maybe I'm exhausted with all the secrets
Maybe I'm tired of feeling
Maybe, just maybe, it's better to be alone.
No attachments, no expectations, no feelings, no disappointments, no rules, no hellos, no farewells, just nothing.

Yea, that sums up how I'm feeling these few days. Is it that hard, that painful to have what I yearn for? Perhaps it's only this difficult 'cos its me? I truly meant what I said up there. I'm really tired of feeling. If only there is some miraculous drink or treatment which I can partake and kill all feelings in me, would I feel happier? Guess I wouldn't know as all feelings in me would have died. But one thing I'm sure of, I wouldn't feel any pain, disappointments, sadness or give a shit about what anyone thinks or expects of me. That feels like an ideal world for me now. But I can't go there, can I?

The closest thing I can get to it now is death. And it feels so welcoming, so tempting.

I know this is an emo shitty post but yea. I just want to crawl into a dark deep hole, huddle my knees around my chest and cover the hole up. No one is to enter. No one is able to hurt me then. No pain will be able to penetrate it. After I've recovered and am feeling stronger, I'll climb back up again, on my own. And then, the world may once again use me as they wish to. But for me, let me be shut in my hole.

Circle of Life

Sounds familiar? Lion king is one of my favourite Disney movies. Love all 3 movies! But yea, circle of life. I saw something this morning when I woke up. It was the full final ending of my favourite Chinese Drama: 步步惊心. They finally released their 'full' version. The drama was adopted from a chinese online novel and the original ending was.. shall I spoil? Oh, whatever. Spoiler Alert!

The original ending of the novel was that when Ruo Xi died in the Qing Dynasty, she really died. But in the drama, they revived her back to the 21st century when she 'died'. And of course, she met the modernized Yong Zhen who couldn't recognize her. Heart-wrenching I tell ya. I think for the last few episodes, I was just bawling my eyes out. Like seriously bad. So for the full ending they released a few days ago, it was revealed that the car accident which caused Ruo Xi to travel back in time, is due to Si Ye's driving. So ya, it feels like a circle. It was 'Si Ye' who brought her to Qing Dynasty, and through all those situations. And they fell for each other. But in the end, their love was so strong, that they burned each other. He wanted to protect her from all harm by getting rid of any that pose a threat to her but alas, he burned her too.

This is what I typed on Facebook after watching and crying:

原来.. 最总，是这样。是个圈。一场悲'爱'剧。四爷和若曦，两人如此相爱但又不能在一起。醒来就看到这，眼泪就又再开始流了。真绞心。

Yea, I still tear. Even at their new MV. Sigh. Today is the 1st day of the filming for the sequel. Praying it'll be good and I'm going to stalk their weibo! =D

So kinda of made me think, there is always cause and effect in everything we do. Just like Cloud Atlas. I really like that show too. Awesome show!

Sigh, alright, leaving a little down and all 'cos of the 2 BBJX videos I watch today. The ending is just too bittersweet. Hoepfully the sequel, will be alright. :)

Enjoy the weekend ahead!~

Relieved.. Sorta

Yea, feeling relieved that maybe after letting my blog rot off and  sink into the depths of dust bunnies, no one will bother to read it and its easier for me to blog freely. I guess today's post will be more like a rant I guess.

Or maybe just something I observe.

I dislike being normal. Perhaps the word 'common' is more appropriate. I love bright colours, colours that just stand out. I guess one of the reasons why I like pink is 'cos not a lot of people like to admit they do or rather shun away from pink. But I like it, it's an happy colour. Same goes for red. Never really a person to go for mainstream stuff. Especially when it comes to dressing or bags or shoes. I like something different. I want to be different. Can it be considered attention seeking? Maybe? But I'm not exactly craving for people to idolize me. Or even wanting. I don't think its so much of that assurance from others for me but more of my own opinion and feelings.

I had a really low self esteem when I was young. Always felt that there's no point in trying hard as in the end, I'm just huddled away like the rest while the privileged will just ascend to their pedestals. And somehow I'm always friends with the 'privileged'. Do note that I say this with an open heart and jestingly. Gotta admit that I did envy these people who seem to have everything. But as I got to know them better, I realized that life ain't a bed of roses for them. But then again. when is life a bed of roses. Thorns, yea.

When you envy someone, you tend to follow their actions or dressing to be more like them, in order to achieve what they have. But in the end, it's different. You may think you have achieved it but in the end, who are the people that you're trying to please accepting? Ok, that last sentence sounded a little confusing so hope you get it. I had to spend some time thinking if that made sense. Think it did. If you follow others and get accepted, you're just giving the world a clone of someone else. The people who accept you then, are they truly accepting you? Are you accepting yourself? I wasn't. I dislike myself.

But in the end, after lots of Ups & Downs, I gradually found myself and start accepting it. It isn't easy. We're all flawed. And it isn't easy looking at others 'perfect' lives, but it isn't so perfect you know. It may seem like they're living The Life when we view it through their Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.. but that's what they most probably want others to see. Not saying it's wrong. I do that too. It's just that, we tend to post the highlights of our lives, the interesting stuff.

Ok, think I have side-tracked quite a little. Where did the rant I had in mind ran off too? The rant that ran away. =.=

Oh yea. So I mentioned that I don't really like mainstream stuff, and as the people around me will know, I can't handle being restrained. And I need adrenaline in my life. So yea, I like to dress up, I like to take pictures of me. I prefer taking my own pictures and I still feel kinda of awkward when posing for others. I like pretty and cute things. I try to mix my styles and all. Of course I'm no genius. I think I suck at art. Ok, cancel the thinking. I suck at art. I'm no fashion designer. I browse magazines, tv programs and whatsnot for fashion advice, yada yada yada. But I don't follow blindly. I know me. I might not know expertly what suits me externally/physically but I know what suits me inside. Sporty? Chic? Pinky? Demure? Grunge? I know what I feel like on specific days and that often set the mood for my attire or so.

Never one to fix on just a specific style.

So I like to think I have my own style. And I feel it's different from usual? At least slightly? And by own style, I meant when I do make the effort to dress up. On lazy days or school days, I'm usually just in my usual shorts & tees. And I feel my own style is not just limited to my attire but my attitude and the way I do things around me.

Ahh, coming to the main point now. Maybe I shall be blunt and just blurt it out.

I dislike it when others copy my style.

Copy might be too harsh a word. How bout 'follow'? I'm not saying that I have a throng of followers but it's just something I dislike. A few or even just one person doing that is enough to get on my nerves. And I seriously doubt I'll ever get my own fan-base.

Do you ever get those situations or moments that when you first started doing/wearing/loving something that wasn't part of the mainstream but after a while, everyone around you seems to be doing/wearing/loving it? I have. Not saying that I brought around the change. Goodness no, I ain't that capable. But maybe social channels brought it up a lot and people start to only take notice then and suddenly, boosh! It's an 'In Thing'. Like dramas or styles, etc. Bah!

Or maybe someone actually did follow your actions and whatsnot. Not sure about you but I find it pretty irritating at times.

Of course, as girls, there is the situation of someone wearing the same outfit as you and all of a sudden, the space around y'all darkens considerably. Most of the time. If not planned.

Among my friends, we have similar outfits or even the same outfit but  I don't really mind. Because I know they have their own way of wearing it and I have mine. There's often the situation where my friends will ask me if I mind them getting the same clothing item as me or vice-versa. And I really don't mind. Note: Friends

But when it's not my friends, or perhaps not my close friends, I get slightly irritated. Or more. Sometimes I just get the feeling that it's been violated. Whatever the subject is. Not that I'm the creator of it but still. There's just this URGH feeling in me. And most of the time, I get so turned off that I just give up on it till the 'fad' or the copying is over before bringing back in. Unless it's something I hold dear, then I'll probably fight with my dear life. Whatever that means in different situations.

So yea, I thought it would be a really short post with me just ranting a little but I guess I just had to explain and poof! The words just kept coming and it churned out a not-so-short post.

Still feeling a little irked by some recent incidents which caused this post but then again, I just 'gave up' on it. Not really something I love so it's alright. I'll go back to it when it more or less dies off.

But just a little something. Call it my pride or ego talking. When I do/wear something, it's usually something I'm confident of so I'm pretty sure I do/wear it much better than most people who just follow or catch on later. Take that!

Sometimes..

Sometimes I wish that I weren't so perceptive. Ain't that observant. And maybe even sharp-minded. 'Cos then, the pain, troubles & worries that come my way will probably lessen. Then perhaps, I wouldn't be blogging this at 2am through my phone whilst lying on my bed, trying to sleep.

Ever had those moments where you know that if you do not sleep in the next few minutes, you're gonna be so screwed the next day but yet your mind just refuse to stop working. Well, having this situation now. The wheels in my mind just keep turning & screwing. Not sure if that's a good thing. I have less than 5 hours before I need to prepare for work tomorrow but right now, my mind is going: "Hah! Did you realize ...-blank-...? And by the way, maybe it was yada yada yada~"

Yea, obviously I won't bore you with what is actually screwing my mind now. Hah!

I feel that I'm not a smart person. Smartass, maybe. But I would say I catch on pretty well. Better than what I actually like at times. Sometimes, I just wish I didn't know. That I didn't see it, or hear it or just, know it. And what really sucks is when people try so hard to cover it up? And then you see everything. 

And that's when doubts are raised which lead us to this post. Bah!

I wish that is an 'Off' button for my mind. Just switch it off & fall into a deep slumber.

Alright, I shall attempt to find a switch & fix it now.

Try to have a good sleep people~

Once again..

Yeaps, you saw it right. I'm back once again. And this time, let's just strip it bare. Just you & me. Words, words and more words. Call it laziness or tiring, all those old posts I wanted to blog about, mainly filled with pictures and all, are non-existent. I lost quite a bulk of photos last year when my baby Vaio crashed. And I only recovered 80gb worth of photos. I know that sounds like there's a lot of photos but trust me, there were more. So yea, after retrieving my photos, I didn't really went to sort them out. So good news, no backlog! Well, good news for me.

Had the urge this morning to revamp my blog. But after going through yet another meeting in school, I felt too lazy AND tired to do it. Since the last time I blogged, there were countless of times I wanted to blog but I felt suppressed. Restricted. So many things I wanted to say but yet, I can't. So many things I want to share, to shout to the world, to note it down for myself in this personal space of mine but I guess with technology now, it isn't really that personal anymore. And for people who tell me to just blog it all out, you peeps are nuts.

Suppression. It's a love-hate relationship for me. How many relationships have I blown up with that? Some I managed to salvaged but some.. It's my bad habit. Suppressing issues and all. Maybe I'm being too nice, or a coward or avoiding conflicts, whatever you call it, I do that. Just can't seem to stop myself. I try and I guess I did change a little but it's still really hard for me. But I'm wishing with all my might and strength that I won't blow up anymore relationships due to this bad habit. Note: Relationships =/= Boy-Girl Relationships.

I guess this is just a random post I decided to do so some random updates? Currently still studying, 1.5 more years to go. Bad & good news for me again. I got an HP Spectre XT to replace my Vaio. Going for an exchange to Vancouver UBC soon in June for a few months. Hmm, what other happenings? None really. I guess I'm a pretty boring person. Oh well, I accept that. Whahahaha!

I predict that after this post, I'll probably 'die' off the surface of this blog again and update like.. Ok. I don't really have an answer for that. Haha! But I guess I'll still be pretty active on the other social media channels like Twitter, Instagram and probably Facebook? iPhone is just handy. Oh yea! Currently addicted to Line Play. =X Guilty as charged. So kudos! Signing off!~

Chinese Songs~

Yes, you did not read wrong. I'm sharing a Chinese song here. I've been listening to more Chinese songs since I started working. There are quite a few songs that I really like so here are two of them. Same title, but different artistes.

Both songs are titled 暗恋 which is secretly admiring or having a crush on someone. 

Here's 暗恋 by 陶喆.

暗恋 by 張智成 

May these songs bring the same bitter-sweet feelings to you as they have brought to me. 

Upon returning to Singapore, I'm brought back to reality. I thought I cleared my thoughts when I was in Bangkok but apparently not. Going to bed is now like a double-edged sword. Before I actually fall asleep, I have to battle with my thoughts which are armed with sadness and pain. But when I finally conquer that, most of the time I get pleasant dreams as a reward.

However, in the end, it doesn't matter. 'Cos no matter how nice and how realistic the dream was, when the time comes, I wake up and realize, it was only just a dream. Ahh~

I want to travel again. I guess, only when I'm travelling, I'm able to put down these thoughts. I need to travel. It might not be the solution, but it is the painkiller for me now. (So 'cheesy' & cliche. Whahahaha!)

All in all, I need to travel soon. A short getaway seems lovely.
Meh~

I'm flying off!

After months, weeks, days of countdown, I'm finally flying off to Bangkok tomorrow! 

WOOHOOO! 

Excited to the max for my trip this time round. Few reasons why I'm so hyped up. 

1) I'm travelling again. (Duh) 

I think I have been bitten by the travel bug since secondary school. One of my resolution is to travel to a new country every year, or a country that I love going back to. So this time, Bangkok is the place for me. Or it might be Taiwan for this December. 

2) Travelling with my awesome sisters this time round! 

Have known Xin Ru, Xin Yi & Xin Lei since we were kiddos. Though we have been friends/sisters for so long, we've never really been on a trip like this together! Xin Lei & I shall be lovely light bulbs this time round. Xin Ru's boyf is stationed in Bangkok while Xin Yi's boyf is also travelling with us. 2 couples & 2 single ladies. Never mind, Xin Lei shall be my temporary boyf. Whahaha! Really looking forward to spending time with them!It's just too bad Joy & Jean couldn't join us this time round. But then, there will always be a next time ya!

3) Bangkok = Shopping Paradise!

YES! SHOPPING! I've kinda of cold turkey-ed myself from shopping for quite some time. So I have a feeling I might go crazy there. Hehe~ I'm bringing a really large EMPTY luggage there. So yea, gonna fill it to the brim. And if I don't shop, means I have no clothes to wear for the rest of the time I'm there. 

4) Away from family

As much as I adore my family, sometimes I just wish to get away from the dramas and nonsense. This 1 week will be a good time for me to recuperate and be more prepared for whatever stuff they have when I'm back. 

5) Some alone time away from..

Yes, hopefully taking some time away and not being able to see some people will allow me to clear my head and know what I truly want. 'Nuff said.

So tadaa~ I have so many reasons to be excited about tomorrow! Muahaha! Oh! And I forgot to mention, Jas Ang and her boyf will also be travelling to Bangkok this week and we'll be flying back together. And my Penang cousin and her husband will be there too! Super coincidence and uh, yea. Light-bulb again. >.>

Been feeling much happier recently. Maybe it's cos July is here and Natsu is gradually approaching. Means Yukata time! Eeeps! But I know the main reason why. I really feel love from my friends. My dear sisters and my dear 'family'. By this 'family', I do not mean the ones from the No. 4 reasons. They are friends who I feel so thankful to God for putting them in my life. Really grateful to have them. 

I know that in the month of June I have worried quite a few people. People from all different stages of my life in one way or another. I'm sorry if I couldn't speak to you much especially about why I was downcast. I know that maybe just by telling your troubles to others might relieve the burden from my shoulders but I just couldn't do it. I'm really thankful for the concern you guys gave. And I want to thank God for placing this good buddy of mine back in my life. Really. And with this, I should really stop blogging and go settle my Bangkok itty-bitty details. Like printing the boarding pass and all. Jaa! Cya in a week's time! In the mean time, thanks to my friend's constant nagging and bargaining, I've signed up for Instagram in exchange for not bringing my camera to Bangkok. Username is JoXianna! Will be posting up goodies from Bangkok! 

Byebye!

So many things to say..

Was contemplating for a few weeks whether to post this or not. After a talk with a really good buddy who reminded me to not be easily led around by emotions and to always have my brain with me, things became clearer in a certain aspect and I've decided to just take it as it is. But still, this was what that had been 'tormenting' my head in June, making me moodier than ever. But now, I'm feeling much better. So yea, this is just something that I really want to let it out of myself, and maybe, just maybe, put it behind me.

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So many things to say yet I have no idea how or where to start. Fear grips me in the heart as I hesitate. It was not supposed to happen. I don't think I've ever felt so insecure in this aspect before. I have no idea what to do actually. A part of me fears the consequences and the response but against other alternatives, I'm not sure which will be the overall winner.

As a quote I've read recently, "If you love someone, be brave to tell them, otherwise, be brave enough to watch them be loved by someone else. "

But what exactly is love? I wonder really.

"I'm not saying I'm in love. I'm just saying that lately, he's all I think about."

The feelings I have currently definitely exceeds the usual feelings I have for a friend but what exactly are they? Even for this quote, despite telling the person you love them, you might still have to watch them be loved or love someone else. It does not mean that everything will end happily after the confession. I wish it does. Pssft~

"I wanna tell you how I feel, but I'm scared. Scared of you not feeling the same and scared of falling harder."

"Maybe I'm scared because you mean more to me than any other person. You are everything I think about, everything I want."

I really am out of my wits. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm just head-butting the walls. Or just going straight into a trap knowingly.

Been mulling over this matter for quite some time. I did not want to face my feelings at 1st as I felt I could rid myself of it but it seems like the more I try, the harder it is.

"I think about you all the time. You're always on my mind. Yet I feel like there's nothing I can do about it."

So true. How many countless nights I've spent thinking of you. Thousands of dreams regarding you, regarding us. Sometimes, the dreams just feel so real that upon waking up, I wished so hard that it was real. That it was not a dream but reality. Alas, it wasn't.

Well, I guess I'll follow the motto as I've always done for this aspect. "If its yours, its yours. If its not, no matter how hard you try, it will never be. "

Or maybe I should update it a little with a new quote too.

"If two people are meant to be together, eventually they'll find their way back."

And so I wonder if we're meant to be together. 

Just a song that I wanna share~

Kinda of like this song a lot. Came across this song when I was Youtube-ing. Sometimes I prefer these original songs that the Youtubers come up with due to the lyrics. For me, I really enjoy the the music, her voice and the lyrics. 

Presenting - Baby, I Love You (Tiffany Alvord)

Tears - Happiness & Sadness

I started my birthday with tears and ended with it too.

No, I did not cry the whole day. There's a difference for those 2 tears-fest. 

When the clock striked 12 midnight on 26th June 2012, I felt overwhelmed with sadness and just broke down sobbing. I just sat there and 'stoned' for a really long time before picking myself up and proceeding with my usual activities.

And just, at 11.59pm on 26th June 2012, I started tearing again. This time, the tears came due to the happiness I felt in me. I felt so much love from my friends and without them, I wouldn't have as much fun today! 

I really feel so blessed for having them in my life. I know I've said it on FaceBook and all but I just can't help it. Words just can't seem to express how grateful and blessed I feel towards them. 

This is just a short post and I will update again soon about it~ I'm really tired now but I just feel the need to blog it out 1st! There is no better word to describe this moment than jubilant.

Kimberly, Sarah & Evangeline:

Thank you to my dear girls for coming down. Despite your hectic schedules, you made time for me and I really appreciate it! We're all growing old and in a blink of an eye, we've known each other for almost 10 years. Thanks for always being there for me! 

Danny, Trixy, Xiang Min, Sherwin, Kim Kai, Ban Theng, Wendy, Fook Yu & Steve.

Thanks for coming down today! Really appreciate it and I really really feel so blessed and loved to have you people in my life. I'm really glad to have met you all and thanks for making this such a memorable and awesome day for me. Words really can't express how I feel but still, I'll try my best. May we have many more good years ahead of us! ^^

That's all for now, I'll blog more in detail tomorrow I guess, if I'm not knocked out by tiredness. I think I might finally be able to sleep well, like finally. At least for tonight, I don't want to think so much and just sleep.