Sunday, April 30, 2006

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Why can't you all just look at me as myself??

Well...I'm getting tired being in my parents' shadow and everyone treating me and looking as me as the pastor's daughter or as a teacher's daughter and have high expectations for me. They happily put my name onto a bible quiz competition when I do not have any wish to go. True, I'm do it for God, but they put it jsut because I'm the pastor's daughter and there are surely other people more capable and better than me right? Must I always do everything that people ask me to do? I'm sick of it. I really wish to go to somewhere that nobody knows who I am and live my life there. That's why I'm planning to find a job that requires travelling overseas for many years so I can leave this place for a long long time. I really wish I can do that now. Well, life is full of ups and downs..but i really am tired. I don't have any motivation and ambitions in life. i just feel like lazing around in living in my own fantasy world, but i can't do that..its too irresponsible of me. In life, we always lead the life of what people wants us to live, if we try to live our own life, there will be objections and everything and trouble will just come along the way. I wonder how relazing it will be if my live is just a story as it will have 'a happily ever after ending'..(think i've been reading too much books..lols..) but in reality, it might not happen. Sigh..Was quite hurt by what some people said today "..of course what, you are the pastor's daughter.." its not that I'm very unhappy but can't they just see that I want to be seen as an individual and not in others' shadows. I want to be able to accomplish things without other people looking and thinking that it is because I've strong back-up. I want to prove that I can do things by myself..and through God too...guess I've found an aim and goal in life now..hehex..lols..
p.s. Gorging on food doesn't really helps to cheer me only helps a bit..lols..

Monday, April 24, 2006

pissed off...

Well, I was quite pissed off yesterday by some stuff that I think it is better not to blog about it here, mainly about my church. I was quite fed up as I am always blamed for stuff that is not my fault and I'm sick of having to take all the blames..Its always me just because I'm the pastor child. I have to go through this type of life because of my parents occupation. I was judged by whatever I do and to uphold my parents reputation, the church and the school's. When i was in primary school, I had to lead that kind of life, cos my mother is the teacher. From young, I've only been allowed to succeed and not to fail. If i fail, I will be blamed and everything will go wrong. If they are so good, do it themselves. I'm not blaming my parents totally, but I'm just sick of all this life. I feel that I often live for others and not for myself, I have to go and represent church, family and many other stuff. Whatever events, they send me for the rehearsal and on the actual day, they don't want me to be there. What am I to them? Just a substitute? I'm sick of how they act. I slogged so hard and they get all the credit. I am forced to keep the reputation up and they still blame me even when its not my fault. They often use me as a comparison and if I've done badly though I've tried my best, they just say that I've not put in my best. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I just feel like screaming. I think I've lost all hope in life too..except for animes, God and....but the rehearsal on sat went quite well. Made lots of new friends from other churches.

Friday, April 21, 2006

pissed off but still laughing..

Today test was quite surprising, especially the sit and reach station. I actually improved by 10cm and more! Woohoo..lols..anyway, after the teset, we had add maths and e maths lesson. Mr R. was pretty nice to us todday. Holiday mood? Kim and I went to causeway point around 12pm and kalan jalan and ate cheese fries. It was great. We met up with the rest of the councillors to makan at Seoul garden at 1.15pm. And here comes the story...

We went into SG before the teachers as it was going to be a full house soon, so each of us had to pay for our meals first. We went around collecting the money and the lady was very nice to allow us to sit down and slowly count our money. I sat down with Kim and began counting a thick wad of notes. I felt so rich. Lols..and I noticed this guy sitting opposite me with one of the councillor and i concluded that he was the father. He was quite upset that his child had to pay for his/her meal and keeps scolding the teachers who had done nothing wrong. I was quite pissed off as I was busy counting the money and I just gave the councillor back his/her money. However, that guy keep complaining and grumbling until most of us were pretty frustrated with him. Hello? We didn't invite you..thats what we wanted to say to him. But he is still a parent. He later on ask for the teacher's number but I refused to give. I said " I'm sorry I can't give the teacher's number." and he replied " You'll be sorry if you don't give me."..Is that considered threatening? Anyway, one of my councillors wanted to say something and he just shoot back at her saying "I'm not speaking with you.." Who does he think he is. Insulting the council, the teachers, and I. We are so busy and he had to add on more trouble. Sigh. Later on, he kept saying that we are wasting their time but his child has already started to eat... SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH THAT???? HE/SHE IS ALREADY EATING!!HOW AM I WASTING YOUR TIME?? in the end, we were all very happy when he left. Actually, I kinda of pity his children and him. I don't think he can live a happy life without suspecting and controlling people. Well, no use wasting breath on this time of people. The world os full of different people. Lols..Later on, the councillors told me that I was too nice to him, but no matter what, he is still a parent. Sigh..We have to accomodate with all kinds of people, crude, weird... Lols..but when I think of how he act, he seems quite comical..lols..

P.S. I did not name kindly don't mention anything about their names..arigato..And I don't have anything against anyone, I'm just blogging what I please don;t take any offense..

Tuesday, April 18, 2006


At last the day is over..our investiture has sucessfully ended and we are getting our gold badge soon which means we need not do anything next time. Slacking time for us and off our duties, though i don't think we will use our recess to study like what Kim claims..lols..anyway, it was kinda of fuun and everyone was sad and happy at some point. Kim was sick and she went home earlier. The rest of us stayed back cos the rain was too big so we took shelter in the AVR room and was playing with the mango pudding and many speeches were made. Though I am relieved that we can be released from our duties, kinda of sad to leave the council too, been together for like 4 years already. Got pretty well with the people in it, even the sec 2s..lols..

Anyway, after the investiture, Mindy and bLow, edmund, sebas, clara, geraldine, eu jin and I went to causeway to makan...and it was MACS again..lols..shamus came to join us later..the girls sat on 1 table and kept luaghing..Note to take..Mindy goes crazy over any small joke..lols..the other girls went back to sleep and so did bLow..the rest of the guys wanted to waste time so they happily followed me up to Comics COnnection to buy the Naruto Movie Vcd that just came out in Singapore. The movie was out on the net 2 yrs ago, but they licensed it only recently, so that means I have to wait for another 2 more years for the 2nd movie that just came out. Couldn't find it in CC so went to MJ, couldn't find it so went to TS..and at last i got my vcd..we took the lift down from MJ to TS and when we were about to enter the lift, there was this guy, alone, in orange shirt who looks like he wanted to come out but did not. When we entered the lift, our eyes flew wide open and held our breath and laughter till that guy went out. all the guys looked like they were in torture and when he went out, we all started laughing because the lift stinks..Later on, another group of people came in and immediately covered their noses and looked at us. Oops..they probably thought we were the ones who farted..we were wearing our uniforms too..lols..anyway, had a really great time yesterday.
Arigato Gozaimaseh for everything...

I'm a bit crazy over japanese stuff these few days..well not really a bit..lols..


Monday, April 10, 2006


guess I'm getting too paranoid these few days..after friday incident where i felt like i was being stalked by someone..Oh nevermind..its all over. Anyway, now Kim is a part-time pyschologist and I'm a counsellor, the type who counsels people and charge big money for it. For Kim 'pyschoing' the rate is $50 per 5 min, for mine, its slighty more expensive so its $100 per min..Hehex..but guranteed you will be well in no time. Today in school, I suddenly became quite high..lols..started asking people do they prefer nigger, eurasian or chink. Its actually sweet flavours but i told some of them that its actually their future partners and most of them chose eurasians or niggers..Very few chose chink. elder brother is treating me so nice these few days..getting creepy..and my dad keeps breathing down my neck about my chinese..sigh..the council meeting was not very good, got scolded by a teacher for something not our fault and keeping my fingers crossed that the invetiture will turn out well. Gotta go write my speech now..sigh..i hate it. Going quite high nowadays..even my church people are starting to complain that i have a loose screw, its just that they don't realise that 90% of my screw are loose already..hahax..ok..tata..

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