A means to an end?

Maybe its the exposure to the many different ethical views of people..
Maybe I'm tired of people treating me for granted..
Maybe I'm sick of getting disappointed by people
Maybe I'm just worn out from being an alternative.
Maybe I'm irritated by all the double standards
Maybe I'm exhausted with all the secrets
Maybe I'm tired of feeling
Maybe, just maybe, it's better to be alone.
No attachments, no expectations, no feelings, no disappointments, no rules, no hellos, no farewells, just nothing.

Yea, that sums up how I'm feeling these few days. Is it that hard, that painful to have what I yearn for? Perhaps it's only this difficult 'cos its me? I truly meant what I said up there. I'm really tired of feeling. If only there is some miraculous drink or treatment which I can partake and kill all feelings in me, would I feel happier? Guess I wouldn't know as all feelings in me would have died. But one thing I'm sure of, I wouldn't feel any pain, disappointments, sadness or give a shit about what anyone thinks or expects of me. That feels like an ideal world for me now. But I can't go there, can I?

The closest thing I can get to it now is death. And it feels so welcoming, so tempting.

I know this is an emo shitty post but yea. I just want to crawl into a dark deep hole, huddle my knees around my chest and cover the hole up. No one is to enter. No one is able to hurt me then. No pain will be able to penetrate it. After I've recovered and am feeling stronger, I'll climb back up again, on my own. And then, the world may once again use me as they wish to. But for me, let me be shut in my hole.

Circle of Life

Sounds familiar? Lion king is one of my favourite Disney movies. Love all 3 movies! But yea, circle of life. I saw something this morning when I woke up. It was the full final ending of my favourite Chinese Drama: 步步惊心. They finally released their 'full' version. The drama was adopted from a chinese online novel and the original ending was.. shall I spoil? Oh, whatever. Spoiler Alert!

The original ending of the novel was that when Ruo Xi died in the Qing Dynasty, she really died. But in the drama, they revived her back to the 21st century when she 'died'. And of course, she met the modernized Yong Zhen who couldn't recognize her. Heart-wrenching I tell ya. I think for the last few episodes, I was just bawling my eyes out. Like seriously bad. So for the full ending they released a few days ago, it was revealed that the car accident which caused Ruo Xi to travel back in time, is due to Si Ye's driving. So ya, it feels like a circle. It was 'Si Ye' who brought her to Qing Dynasty, and through all those situations. And they fell for each other. But in the end, their love was so strong, that they burned each other. He wanted to protect her from all harm by getting rid of any that pose a threat to her but alas, he burned her too.

This is what I typed on Facebook after watching and crying:

原来.. 最总，是这样。是个圈。一场悲'爱'剧。四爷和若曦，两人如此相爱但又不能在一起。醒来就看到这，眼泪就又再开始流了。真绞心。

Yea, I still tear. Even at their new MV. Sigh. Today is the 1st day of the filming for the sequel. Praying it'll be good and I'm going to stalk their weibo! =D

So kinda of made me think, there is always cause and effect in everything we do. Just like Cloud Atlas. I really like that show too. Awesome show!

Sigh, alright, leaving a little down and all 'cos of the 2 BBJX videos I watch today. The ending is just too bittersweet. Hoepfully the sequel, will be alright. :)

Enjoy the weekend ahead!~

Relieved.. Sorta

Yea, feeling relieved that maybe after letting my blog rot off and  sink into the depths of dust bunnies, no one will bother to read it and its easier for me to blog freely. I guess today's post will be more like a rant I guess.

Or maybe just something I observe.

I dislike being normal. Perhaps the word 'common' is more appropriate. I love bright colours, colours that just stand out. I guess one of the reasons why I like pink is 'cos not a lot of people like to admit they do or rather shun away from pink. But I like it, it's an happy colour. Same goes for red. Never really a person to go for mainstream stuff. Especially when it comes to dressing or bags or shoes. I like something different. I want to be different. Can it be considered attention seeking? Maybe? But I'm not exactly craving for people to idolize me. Or even wanting. I don't think its so much of that assurance from others for me but more of my own opinion and feelings.

I had a really low self esteem when I was young. Always felt that there's no point in trying hard as in the end, I'm just huddled away like the rest while the privileged will just ascend to their pedestals. And somehow I'm always friends with the 'privileged'. Do note that I say this with an open heart and jestingly. Gotta admit that I did envy these people who seem to have everything. But as I got to know them better, I realized that life ain't a bed of roses for them. But then again. when is life a bed of roses. Thorns, yea.

When you envy someone, you tend to follow their actions or dressing to be more like them, in order to achieve what they have. But in the end, it's different. You may think you have achieved it but in the end, who are the people that you're trying to please accepting? Ok, that last sentence sounded a little confusing so hope you get it. I had to spend some time thinking if that made sense. Think it did. If you follow others and get accepted, you're just giving the world a clone of someone else. The people who accept you then, are they truly accepting you? Are you accepting yourself? I wasn't. I dislike myself.

But in the end, after lots of Ups & Downs, I gradually found myself and start accepting it. It isn't easy. We're all flawed. And it isn't easy looking at others 'perfect' lives, but it isn't so perfect you know. It may seem like they're living The Life when we view it through their Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.. but that's what they most probably want others to see. Not saying it's wrong. I do that too. It's just that, we tend to post the highlights of our lives, the interesting stuff.

Ok, think I have side-tracked quite a little. Where did the rant I had in mind ran off too? The rant that ran away. =.=

Oh yea. So I mentioned that I don't really like mainstream stuff, and as the people around me will know, I can't handle being restrained. And I need adrenaline in my life. So yea, I like to dress up, I like to take pictures of me. I prefer taking my own pictures and I still feel kinda of awkward when posing for others. I like pretty and cute things. I try to mix my styles and all. Of course I'm no genius. I think I suck at art. Ok, cancel the thinking. I suck at art. I'm no fashion designer. I browse magazines, tv programs and whatsnot for fashion advice, yada yada yada. But I don't follow blindly. I know me. I might not know expertly what suits me externally/physically but I know what suits me inside. Sporty? Chic? Pinky? Demure? Grunge? I know what I feel like on specific days and that often set the mood for my attire or so.

Never one to fix on just a specific style.

So I like to think I have my own style. And I feel it's different from usual? At least slightly? And by own style, I meant when I do make the effort to dress up. On lazy days or school days, I'm usually just in my usual shorts & tees. And I feel my own style is not just limited to my attire but my attitude and the way I do things around me.

Ahh, coming to the main point now. Maybe I shall be blunt and just blurt it out.

I dislike it when others copy my style.

Copy might be too harsh a word. How bout 'follow'? I'm not saying that I have a throng of followers but it's just something I dislike. A few or even just one person doing that is enough to get on my nerves. And I seriously doubt I'll ever get my own fan-base.

Do you ever get those situations or moments that when you first started doing/wearing/loving something that wasn't part of the mainstream but after a while, everyone around you seems to be doing/wearing/loving it? I have. Not saying that I brought around the change. Goodness no, I ain't that capable. But maybe social channels brought it up a lot and people start to only take notice then and suddenly, boosh! It's an 'In Thing'. Like dramas or styles, etc. Bah!

Or maybe someone actually did follow your actions and whatsnot. Not sure about you but I find it pretty irritating at times.

Of course, as girls, there is the situation of someone wearing the same outfit as you and all of a sudden, the space around y'all darkens considerably. Most of the time. If not planned.

Among my friends, we have similar outfits or even the same outfit but  I don't really mind. Because I know they have their own way of wearing it and I have mine. There's often the situation where my friends will ask me if I mind them getting the same clothing item as me or vice-versa. And I really don't mind. Note: Friends

But when it's not my friends, or perhaps not my close friends, I get slightly irritated. Or more. Sometimes I just get the feeling that it's been violated. Whatever the subject is. Not that I'm the creator of it but still. There's just this URGH feeling in me. And most of the time, I get so turned off that I just give up on it till the 'fad' or the copying is over before bringing back in. Unless it's something I hold dear, then I'll probably fight with my dear life. Whatever that means in different situations.

So yea, I thought it would be a really short post with me just ranting a little but I guess I just had to explain and poof! The words just kept coming and it churned out a not-so-short post.

Still feeling a little irked by some recent incidents which caused this post but then again, I just 'gave up' on it. Not really something I love so it's alright. I'll go back to it when it more or less dies off.

But just a little something. Call it my pride or ego talking. When I do/wear something, it's usually something I'm confident of so I'm pretty sure I do/wear it much better than most people who just follow or catch on later. Take that!

Sometimes..

Sometimes I wish that I weren't so perceptive. Ain't that observant. And maybe even sharp-minded. 'Cos then, the pain, troubles & worries that come my way will probably lessen. Then perhaps, I wouldn't be blogging this at 2am through my phone whilst lying on my bed, trying to sleep.

Ever had those moments where you know that if you do not sleep in the next few minutes, you're gonna be so screwed the next day but yet your mind just refuse to stop working. Well, having this situation now. The wheels in my mind just keep turning & screwing. Not sure if that's a good thing. I have less than 5 hours before I need to prepare for work tomorrow but right now, my mind is going: "Hah! Did you realize ...-blank-...? And by the way, maybe it was yada yada yada~"

Yea, obviously I won't bore you with what is actually screwing my mind now. Hah!

I feel that I'm not a smart person. Smartass, maybe. But I would say I catch on pretty well. Better than what I actually like at times. Sometimes, I just wish I didn't know. That I didn't see it, or hear it or just, know it. And what really sucks is when people try so hard to cover it up? And then you see everything. 

And that's when doubts are raised which lead us to this post. Bah!

I wish that is an 'Off' button for my mind. Just switch it off & fall into a deep slumber.

Alright, I shall attempt to find a switch & fix it now.

Try to have a good sleep people~