Thursday, June 30, 2011


That is a way foreign term to me.

Whenever I think of adulthood or adults in a manner, I picture old men and women in their 30s, 40s, 50s.. oh ya, 50s would be classified under ancient I guess. I guess when I welcome my 20th birthday last year, my time as a willful teenager would soon be gone. Well, technically I'm still considered a youth as the age limit for that is till 35 years old. Hah!

This year was unlike the past few years where I will emo and do up a reflection post just before my birthday. I didn't forget about it. Was planning to do it all along but there were just so many things to settle on the eve of transcension. Kinda of glad of it. It's tiring to just think through your life and grimace at all those silly and idiotic things you did in your life. Of course, not all that I did were bad, there were moments where I wished I had videotaped them down just to keep them replaying in my mind. Moments where I felt so happy, feelings that were expressed and relationships that I have lost and found. Through the course of life, there were many choices of paths given to me at different points of time in my life. I could have taken any of them, but the ones I chose were the ones that led me to where I am and who I am now. I'm not proud of all that I've done. I'm human and I make mistakes though it is not an excuse for me to continue making them. But since this is life and it goes on, no point for me to harp and think 'What if I chose that other path?'. There's absolutely no point in that because in the end, you'll never know. Simply because you can't turn back and undo the things you've done. This is reality, not some fantasy where you have a time-turner like Hermione Granger and use it to go back in time.

The only thing I can do after choosing my path is to persevere in it. Be it an easy path or one fraught with difficulties, I chose it. I gotta go on with it. Saying it sounds way easier than executing it out in real life. There are times where I just feel like giving up. When I feel that the end or what I'm pursuing are not worth overcoming the obstacles coming my way. Though I love to say that there is always someone who urges me not to give up and pulled me through all those times, I can't. I mean, I know that God is always there for me, but there are also times where I know he let it happened to me, so as to make me stronger through the tribulations he gave.

God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability - 1 Corinthians 10:13

I recently mentioned this verse to Jovan but it just seems hard to continue believing in it at times. There are indeed times where I gave up. Not proud of it but since it's done, learn the lesson and move on. Of course there are people in my life who did pull me up and straighten me. To them, I'm utterly grateful. Sometimes, they might not know the effect of their actions in my life, my choices but I know and for that, gratitude is one of the things I can give them.

As this blog is so aptly named, The Ups & Downs of jO. There are always moments that made us cherish life and times where we just want to give up. I do hope that there is more of the former for all of us but who am I kidding? Hahaha! Not being cynical but it's life.

Life is just like a box of chocolates you will never know what you will get. - Forrest Gump

Even if you get a type of chocolate that you really dislike, it won't deter you from trying again. Unless you hate chocolates. Well, I know I don't.

Every year, every month , every week, every day causes a turn in my life. Sometimes the turns are bigger, sometimes they seem trivial. Turns that are bigger normally have to do with relationships while turns that seem trivial might be anything! A new acquaintance you meet today might turn out to be a very important person to you in the future. You never know. Life is full of surprises. Some people might hate surprises as they do not know what to expect while others relish it. I'm of the latter. Be it good or bad surprises, it's definitely a change to my life. Well, I'm a person who can't stand a mundane lifestyle so it might be refreshing for me. =D

This part is what I've been contemplating about.. a lot. The past year has been one that sent me crashing. I took a path, turning away from some people. Certain choices were made and consequences were what I had to face. In the end, it was my choice. My 20th year wasn't a pretty one. Truthfully speaking, starting out as a freshman in SMU was one of my struggles. I knew no one and I had no one. People seemed different there and unknowingly, I pushed people with my 'aura' I guess. With my way of dressing, thinking and actions, I felt like a misfit. Thank goodness, I still managed to meet some really awesome people and made some friends.But I took a wrong step. And things collapsed. Not the way I want things to turn out but can't say I didn't expect it. Though in my heart, I wished it was not this way. But what's done is done, no matter how it is, I can't forget my memories and I don't wish to as they are what formed the person I am today. As I always seem to have a nostalgic streak in me, there are definitely times where I would mull over my life, with a smile on my face.

Last Sunday, I bade farewell to my 20th self and welcomed 21st and adulthood with open arms. As much as I wished to say I've matured overnight on my birthday, we all know it's bullshit. Hahaha! Though acknowledging it is the first step to it. I do hope that my life as a 21st year old will be one full of bitter chocolates for me. (Bitter is the opposite for me. I adore bitter chocolate. So it means I want sweetness for my life ok?) One where I will discover more about myself again. I find that I'm losing myself in the past year. Somehow, I got reminded by old friends in regards to that. Gotta find the crazy, fiery & blunt person that has hidden in me for some time. The person that people used to look up too and had crazy fun. Though I guess I have to tone down on the craziness. Hahaha! I know this post seems emo but it's just an annual post. Once a year~ =D

Year 20 might seem like a dreadful year for me and making me seem contemptuous of life but it isn't so. There were definitely high moments last year and it is one that I've learned several valuable lessons of. One of which is to give all my friends a chance no matter how bad things seem. Note: Friends, not just anyone. I mean if I consider you as my friend, I'll definitely do this. Otherwise, there will always be this nagging thought deep down in my mind. Friends listen and don't judge, no matter what happened. Even if they judge, at least they gave it a chance. I've learned how important that is for me thus I'm hoping to be there for my own friends if they need me.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

With an ending note, I'm thoroughly grateful for all the friends I have. Some that were reminded to me through my past year and some that I've just known.

So this is the end of jO's reflection of her year 20. Emo and slightly longer than usual but then again, writing and blogging is a way for me to express. I promise happier posts will be out soon. Especially posts about my 21st celebration! =D

P.S. Thanks for all the wishes that I've gotten on my 21st and also the people who made that night an awesome and memorable one!


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