Post Wedding Feelings

Just attended my brother's wedding and though I'm not very close to him now as I once was, I'm glad that he finally found someone to set up a family with. During the wedding, I can't help but think about how I would like mine to be in the future, if ever given the chance. It totally helps that I have loads of relative & friends asking me when will it be my turn. My best answer that night was "Remember, my brother and I have an eight years gap, Ask me 8 years later." Bwahahaha! The look on their faces were hilarious.

Which girl doesn't dream of her own wedding? No idea. But I do, and I wonder if I'll ever have a chance to realize this event of mine. How I want things to take place, the kind of dresses I want, the bridesmaids, the games to play, the videos and many more. Most girls would have their dream wedding planned ages ago, but for me, who love events & weddings, the urge to plan it, to encounter all the chaos that comes with it is even much more. Maybe I can consider the route of a wedding planner. Heh~

But yes, my wedding, if any. Would I ever have a chance to plan my own? I guess, marriage to me now is out of the question. Rather, the kind of wedding I want ain't possible. And the reasons why I want a wedding now are totally superficial. I just want the pomp and the flare~ Not really just that but the rest are non-applicable. So it's impossible. But yea, even though it seems impossible, a girl can dream ya.

Pfft~

Complicated

Yea, what a generic and cliche title post I have up there. But indeed, I'm starting to feel that my life is starting to be more complicated. And there are times where I have no idea what I want. That might sound like the total opposite of me, seeing that I usually lay out my goals straight down. I have no idea why I'm feeling this moody today or frustrated. Maybe it's the 'curse' that I deemed that I have, or perhaps I'm doing some contradicting actions in my life. And there's this question that keeps lingering in my mind. What was I doing a year back? 2 years back. 3 years and even 4 years ago? Why this period? I guess Natsu period has always been one of excitement. Especially the post period. Without fail, there's always something there.

I really hope the 'curse' won't follow through this time. It's really kinda of tiring to go through just that quite a few times. I say that but yet I do something against it.

I guessed I'm pretty tired and am mumbling on. Which is a sign I should sleep soon. And yeaps. Just wanted to blogged out a little of what I'm feeling.

Good night and may I find the route I wish to take in life.

Marriage?

What is marriage to you? Is it a process of life? Why do you set it as a process of life? Is it due to the fact that in Singapore, if you aren't married, you can't bid for your own apartment? If that's the case, are you marrying for the sake of a property?

Maybe you might say that it's a lifelong commitment & with marriage, it binds your partner to you. But if two parties know their own relationships & are committed to each other for the long haul, do you really need a piece of legal paper to 'bind' you? Besides, with the increasing divorce rates, it ain't that binding after all. I do have comments from people, usually females, saying that once they are married, their partner wouldn't 'run away' or go astray. Really? How do you explain affairs & those cheating websites? If someone is really going astray, it doesn't matter if he/she is in a marriage or not. 

People judge. If you aren't married by a certain age, the society sees you as in a different light. A negative one at that. Your family will change from asking you about your future plans & start whispering both in front & behind your back. But the question here is, are you going to let yourself be pulled along by others? Do they know what's truly best for you? Better than yourself? Think again. 

I know I sound really cynical here and that I'm anti-marriage but really, no. I love weddings. I get all sappy at movie weddings and I used to think of the different kinds of wedding I could have. Beach, garden, Disney, etc. I was just like any other girl who dreamed of her Prince Charming who will one day sweep her off her feet. However, life opened my eyes along with reality. There's no one sweeping me off my floor except my dad whenever my room is dusty. 

Despite reality's harsh lessons, I still dream of getting a proposal I'll never forget (positively I hope) & my dream wedding. What's my dream wedding? Just a ceremony with my man. To see if there is any change in his eyes when he sees me when I'm the most beautiful, that I'll supposedly ever be, in my life. Along with an unique wedding ceremony. But I guess I won't really mind if I don't get my marriage. Cos to me, if my man is going to run, he will run. Even if he is legally bound to me. My marriage is just for my man to fulfill my childhood fantasies (vice-versa) & for him to be my Prince Charming. And most importantly, to enter a mutual commitment to each other. 

Of course marriage has its 'perks' & necessities. Besides getting the right to bid for an apartment & smirking at nosy relatives, it paves the way to have a family easier & cause no confusion for your kids, if any. Kids.. That's a topic for another day.

I guess, in the end, after 6 paragraphs, all I wanted to say is, know why you're getting married. Or why you're putting marriage as a step in your life. Don't do it for the wrong reasons. I know people will probably think I do not have enough personal experiences to speak of such stuff but I think I've seen a fair bit around me. Enough for questions to form in my head. To the readers of this article, I wish you a future you desire. 

Jo

A means to an end?

Maybe its the exposure to the many different ethical views of people..
Maybe I'm tired of people treating me for granted..
Maybe I'm sick of getting disappointed by people
Maybe I'm just worn out from being an alternative.
Maybe I'm irritated by all the double standards
Maybe I'm exhausted with all the secrets
Maybe I'm tired of feeling
Maybe, just maybe, it's better to be alone.
No attachments, no expectations, no feelings, no disappointments, no rules, no hellos, no farewells, just nothing.

Yea, that sums up how I'm feeling these few days. Is it that hard, that painful to have what I yearn for? Perhaps it's only this difficult 'cos its me? I truly meant what I said up there. I'm really tired of feeling. If only there is some miraculous drink or treatment which I can partake and kill all feelings in me, would I feel happier? Guess I wouldn't know as all feelings in me would have died. But one thing I'm sure of, I wouldn't feel any pain, disappointments, sadness or give a shit about what anyone thinks or expects of me. That feels like an ideal world for me now. But I can't go there, can I?

The closest thing I can get to it now is death. And it feels so welcoming, so tempting.

I know this is an emo shitty post but yea. I just want to crawl into a dark deep hole, huddle my knees around my chest and cover the hole up. No one is to enter. No one is able to hurt me then. No pain will be able to penetrate it. After I've recovered and am feeling stronger, I'll climb back up again, on my own. And then, the world may once again use me as they wish to. But for me, let me be shut in my hole.

Circle of Life

Sounds familiar? Lion king is one of my favourite Disney movies. Love all 3 movies! But yea, circle of life. I saw something this morning when I woke up. It was the full final ending of my favourite Chinese Drama: 步步惊心. They finally released their 'full' version. The drama was adopted from a chinese online novel and the original ending was.. shall I spoil? Oh, whatever. Spoiler Alert!

The original ending of the novel was that when Ruo Xi died in the Qing Dynasty, she really died. But in the drama, they revived her back to the 21st century when she 'died'. And of course, she met the modernized Yong Zhen who couldn't recognize her. Heart-wrenching I tell ya. I think for the last few episodes, I was just bawling my eyes out. Like seriously bad. So for the full ending they released a few days ago, it was revealed that the car accident which caused Ruo Xi to travel back in time, is due to Si Ye's driving. So ya, it feels like a circle. It was 'Si Ye' who brought her to Qing Dynasty, and through all those situations. And they fell for each other. But in the end, their love was so strong, that they burned each other. He wanted to protect her from all harm by getting rid of any that pose a threat to her but alas, he burned her too.

This is what I typed on Facebook after watching and crying:

原来.. 最总，是这样。是个圈。一场悲'爱'剧。四爷和若曦，两人如此相爱但又不能在一起。醒来就看到这，眼泪就又再开始流了。真绞心。

Yea, I still tear. Even at their new MV. Sigh. Today is the 1st day of the filming for the sequel. Praying it'll be good and I'm going to stalk their weibo! =D

So kinda of made me think, there is always cause and effect in everything we do. Just like Cloud Atlas. I really like that show too. Awesome show!

Sigh, alright, leaving a little down and all 'cos of the 2 BBJX videos I watch today. The ending is just too bittersweet. Hoepfully the sequel, will be alright. :)

Enjoy the weekend ahead!~

Relieved.. Sorta

Yea, feeling relieved that maybe after letting my blog rot off and  sink into the depths of dust bunnies, no one will bother to read it and its easier for me to blog freely. I guess today's post will be more like a rant I guess.

Or maybe just something I observe.

I dislike being normal. Perhaps the word 'common' is more appropriate. I love bright colours, colours that just stand out. I guess one of the reasons why I like pink is 'cos not a lot of people like to admit they do or rather shun away from pink. But I like it, it's an happy colour. Same goes for red. Never really a person to go for mainstream stuff. Especially when it comes to dressing or bags or shoes. I like something different. I want to be different. Can it be considered attention seeking? Maybe? But I'm not exactly craving for people to idolize me. Or even wanting. I don't think its so much of that assurance from others for me but more of my own opinion and feelings.

I had a really low self esteem when I was young. Always felt that there's no point in trying hard as in the end, I'm just huddled away like the rest while the privileged will just ascend to their pedestals. And somehow I'm always friends with the 'privileged'. Do note that I say this with an open heart and jestingly. Gotta admit that I did envy these people who seem to have everything. But as I got to know them better, I realized that life ain't a bed of roses for them. But then again. when is life a bed of roses. Thorns, yea.

When you envy someone, you tend to follow their actions or dressing to be more like them, in order to achieve what they have. But in the end, it's different. You may think you have achieved it but in the end, who are the people that you're trying to please accepting? Ok, that last sentence sounded a little confusing so hope you get it. I had to spend some time thinking if that made sense. Think it did. If you follow others and get accepted, you're just giving the world a clone of someone else. The people who accept you then, are they truly accepting you? Are you accepting yourself? I wasn't. I dislike myself.

But in the end, after lots of Ups & Downs, I gradually found myself and start accepting it. It isn't easy. We're all flawed. And it isn't easy looking at others 'perfect' lives, but it isn't so perfect you know. It may seem like they're living The Life when we view it through their Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.. but that's what they most probably want others to see. Not saying it's wrong. I do that too. It's just that, we tend to post the highlights of our lives, the interesting stuff.

Ok, think I have side-tracked quite a little. Where did the rant I had in mind ran off too? The rant that ran away. =.=

Oh yea. So I mentioned that I don't really like mainstream stuff, and as the people around me will know, I can't handle being restrained. And I need adrenaline in my life. So yea, I like to dress up, I like to take pictures of me. I prefer taking my own pictures and I still feel kinda of awkward when posing for others. I like pretty and cute things. I try to mix my styles and all. Of course I'm no genius. I think I suck at art. Ok, cancel the thinking. I suck at art. I'm no fashion designer. I browse magazines, tv programs and whatsnot for fashion advice, yada yada yada. But I don't follow blindly. I know me. I might not know expertly what suits me externally/physically but I know what suits me inside. Sporty? Chic? Pinky? Demure? Grunge? I know what I feel like on specific days and that often set the mood for my attire or so.

Never one to fix on just a specific style.

So I like to think I have my own style. And I feel it's different from usual? At least slightly? And by own style, I meant when I do make the effort to dress up. On lazy days or school days, I'm usually just in my usual shorts & tees. And I feel my own style is not just limited to my attire but my attitude and the way I do things around me.

Ahh, coming to the main point now. Maybe I shall be blunt and just blurt it out.

I dislike it when others copy my style.

Copy might be too harsh a word. How bout 'follow'? I'm not saying that I have a throng of followers but it's just something I dislike. A few or even just one person doing that is enough to get on my nerves. And I seriously doubt I'll ever get my own fan-base.

Do you ever get those situations or moments that when you first started doing/wearing/loving something that wasn't part of the mainstream but after a while, everyone around you seems to be doing/wearing/loving it? I have. Not saying that I brought around the change. Goodness no, I ain't that capable. But maybe social channels brought it up a lot and people start to only take notice then and suddenly, boosh! It's an 'In Thing'. Like dramas or styles, etc. Bah!

Or maybe someone actually did follow your actions and whatsnot. Not sure about you but I find it pretty irritating at times.

Of course, as girls, there is the situation of someone wearing the same outfit as you and all of a sudden, the space around y'all darkens considerably. Most of the time. If not planned.

Among my friends, we have similar outfits or even the same outfit but  I don't really mind. Because I know they have their own way of wearing it and I have mine. There's often the situation where my friends will ask me if I mind them getting the same clothing item as me or vice-versa. And I really don't mind. Note: Friends

But when it's not my friends, or perhaps not my close friends, I get slightly irritated. Or more. Sometimes I just get the feeling that it's been violated. Whatever the subject is. Not that I'm the creator of it but still. There's just this URGH feeling in me. And most of the time, I get so turned off that I just give up on it till the 'fad' or the copying is over before bringing back in. Unless it's something I hold dear, then I'll probably fight with my dear life. Whatever that means in different situations.

So yea, I thought it would be a really short post with me just ranting a little but I guess I just had to explain and poof! The words just kept coming and it churned out a not-so-short post.

Still feeling a little irked by some recent incidents which caused this post but then again, I just 'gave up' on it. Not really something I love so it's alright. I'll go back to it when it more or less dies off.

But just a little something. Call it my pride or ego talking. When I do/wear something, it's usually something I'm confident of so I'm pretty sure I do/wear it much better than most people who just follow or catch on later. Take that!

Sometimes..

Sometimes I wish that I weren't so perceptive. Ain't that observant. And maybe even sharp-minded. 'Cos then, the pain, troubles & worries that come my way will probably lessen. Then perhaps, I wouldn't be blogging this at 2am through my phone whilst lying on my bed, trying to sleep.

Ever had those moments where you know that if you do not sleep in the next few minutes, you're gonna be so screwed the next day but yet your mind just refuse to stop working. Well, having this situation now. The wheels in my mind just keep turning & screwing. Not sure if that's a good thing. I have less than 5 hours before I need to prepare for work tomorrow but right now, my mind is going: "Hah! Did you realize ...-blank-...? And by the way, maybe it was yada yada yada~"

Yea, obviously I won't bore you with what is actually screwing my mind now. Hah!

I feel that I'm not a smart person. Smartass, maybe. But I would say I catch on pretty well. Better than what I actually like at times. Sometimes, I just wish I didn't know. That I didn't see it, or hear it or just, know it. And what really sucks is when people try so hard to cover it up? And then you see everything. 

And that's when doubts are raised which lead us to this post. Bah!

I wish that is an 'Off' button for my mind. Just switch it off & fall into a deep slumber.

Alright, I shall attempt to find a switch & fix it now.

Try to have a good sleep people~

Once again..

Yeaps, you saw it right. I'm back once again. And this time, let's just strip it bare. Just you & me. Words, words and more words. Call it laziness or tiring, all those old posts I wanted to blog about, mainly filled with pictures and all, are non-existent. I lost quite a bulk of photos last year when my baby Vaio crashed. And I only recovered 80gb worth of photos. I know that sounds like there's a lot of photos but trust me, there were more. So yea, after retrieving my photos, I didn't really went to sort them out. So good news, no backlog! Well, good news for me.

Had the urge this morning to revamp my blog. But after going through yet another meeting in school, I felt too lazy AND tired to do it. Since the last time I blogged, there were countless of times I wanted to blog but I felt suppressed. Restricted. So many things I wanted to say but yet, I can't. So many things I want to share, to shout to the world, to note it down for myself in this personal space of mine but I guess with technology now, it isn't really that personal anymore. And for people who tell me to just blog it all out, you peeps are nuts.

Suppression. It's a love-hate relationship for me. How many relationships have I blown up with that? Some I managed to salvaged but some.. It's my bad habit. Suppressing issues and all. Maybe I'm being too nice, or a coward or avoiding conflicts, whatever you call it, I do that. Just can't seem to stop myself. I try and I guess I did change a little but it's still really hard for me. But I'm wishing with all my might and strength that I won't blow up anymore relationships due to this bad habit. Note: Relationships =/= Boy-Girl Relationships.

I guess this is just a random post I decided to do so some random updates? Currently still studying, 1.5 more years to go. Bad & good news for me again. I got an HP Spectre XT to replace my Vaio. Going for an exchange to Vancouver UBC soon in June for a few months. Hmm, what other happenings? None really. I guess I'm a pretty boring person. Oh well, I accept that. Whahahaha!

I predict that after this post, I'll probably 'die' off the surface of this blog again and update like.. Ok. I don't really have an answer for that. Haha! But I guess I'll still be pretty active on the other social media channels like Twitter, Instagram and probably Facebook? iPhone is just handy. Oh yea! Currently addicted to Line Play. =X Guilty as charged. So kudos! Signing off!~

Chinese Songs~

Yes, you did not read wrong. I'm sharing a Chinese song here. I've been listening to more Chinese songs since I started working. There are quite a few songs that I really like so here are two of them. Same title, but different artistes.

Both songs are titled 暗恋 which is secretly admiring or having a crush on someone. 

Here's 暗恋 by 陶喆.

暗恋 by 張智成 

May these songs bring the same bitter-sweet feelings to you as they have brought to me. 

Upon returning to Singapore, I'm brought back to reality. I thought I cleared my thoughts when I was in Bangkok but apparently not. Going to bed is now like a double-edged sword. Before I actually fall asleep, I have to battle with my thoughts which are armed with sadness and pain. But when I finally conquer that, most of the time I get pleasant dreams as a reward.

However, in the end, it doesn't matter. 'Cos no matter how nice and how realistic the dream was, when the time comes, I wake up and realize, it was only just a dream. Ahh~

I want to travel again. I guess, only when I'm travelling, I'm able to put down these thoughts. I need to travel. It might not be the solution, but it is the painkiller for me now. (So 'cheesy' & cliche. Whahahaha!)

All in all, I need to travel soon. A short getaway seems lovely.
Meh~

I'm flying off!

After months, weeks, days of countdown, I'm finally flying off to Bangkok tomorrow! 

WOOHOOO! 

Excited to the max for my trip this time round. Few reasons why I'm so hyped up. 

1) I'm travelling again. (Duh) 

I think I have been bitten by the travel bug since secondary school. One of my resolution is to travel to a new country every year, or a country that I love going back to. So this time, Bangkok is the place for me. Or it might be Taiwan for this December. 

2) Travelling with my awesome sisters this time round! 

Have known Xin Ru, Xin Yi & Xin Lei since we were kiddos. Though we have been friends/sisters for so long, we've never really been on a trip like this together! Xin Lei & I shall be lovely light bulbs this time round. Xin Ru's boyf is stationed in Bangkok while Xin Yi's boyf is also travelling with us. 2 couples & 2 single ladies. Never mind, Xin Lei shall be my temporary boyf. Whahaha! Really looking forward to spending time with them!It's just too bad Joy & Jean couldn't join us this time round. But then, there will always be a next time ya!

3) Bangkok = Shopping Paradise!

YES! SHOPPING! I've kinda of cold turkey-ed myself from shopping for quite some time. So I have a feeling I might go crazy there. Hehe~ I'm bringing a really large EMPTY luggage there. So yea, gonna fill it to the brim. And if I don't shop, means I have no clothes to wear for the rest of the time I'm there. 

4) Away from family

As much as I adore my family, sometimes I just wish to get away from the dramas and nonsense. This 1 week will be a good time for me to recuperate and be more prepared for whatever stuff they have when I'm back. 

5) Some alone time away from..

Yes, hopefully taking some time away and not being able to see some people will allow me to clear my head and know what I truly want. 'Nuff said.

So tadaa~ I have so many reasons to be excited about tomorrow! Muahaha! Oh! And I forgot to mention, Jas Ang and her boyf will also be travelling to Bangkok this week and we'll be flying back together. And my Penang cousin and her husband will be there too! Super coincidence and uh, yea. Light-bulb again. >.>

Been feeling much happier recently. Maybe it's cos July is here and Natsu is gradually approaching. Means Yukata time! Eeeps! But I know the main reason why. I really feel love from my friends. My dear sisters and my dear 'family'. By this 'family', I do not mean the ones from the No. 4 reasons. They are friends who I feel so thankful to God for putting them in my life. Really grateful to have them. 

I know that in the month of June I have worried quite a few people. People from all different stages of my life in one way or another. I'm sorry if I couldn't speak to you much especially about why I was downcast. I know that maybe just by telling your troubles to others might relieve the burden from my shoulders but I just couldn't do it. I'm really thankful for the concern you guys gave. And I want to thank God for placing this good buddy of mine back in my life. Really. And with this, I should really stop blogging and go settle my Bangkok itty-bitty details. Like printing the boarding pass and all. Jaa! Cya in a week's time! In the mean time, thanks to my friend's constant nagging and bargaining, I've signed up for Instagram in exchange for not bringing my camera to Bangkok. Username is JoXianna! Will be posting up goodies from Bangkok! 

Byebye!

So many things to say..

Was contemplating for a few weeks whether to post this or not. After a talk with a really good buddy who reminded me to not be easily led around by emotions and to always have my brain with me, things became clearer in a certain aspect and I've decided to just take it as it is. But still, this was what that had been 'tormenting' my head in June, making me moodier than ever. But now, I'm feeling much better. So yea, this is just something that I really want to let it out of myself, and maybe, just maybe, put it behind me.

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So many things to say yet I have no idea how or where to start. Fear grips me in the heart as I hesitate. It was not supposed to happen. I don't think I've ever felt so insecure in this aspect before. I have no idea what to do actually. A part of me fears the consequences and the response but against other alternatives, I'm not sure which will be the overall winner.

As a quote I've read recently, "If you love someone, be brave to tell them, otherwise, be brave enough to watch them be loved by someone else. "

But what exactly is love? I wonder really.

"I'm not saying I'm in love. I'm just saying that lately, he's all I think about."

The feelings I have currently definitely exceeds the usual feelings I have for a friend but what exactly are they? Even for this quote, despite telling the person you love them, you might still have to watch them be loved or love someone else. It does not mean that everything will end happily after the confession. I wish it does. Pssft~

"I wanna tell you how I feel, but I'm scared. Scared of you not feeling the same and scared of falling harder."

"Maybe I'm scared because you mean more to me than any other person. You are everything I think about, everything I want."

I really am out of my wits. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm just head-butting the walls. Or just going straight into a trap knowingly.

Been mulling over this matter for quite some time. I did not want to face my feelings at 1st as I felt I could rid myself of it but it seems like the more I try, the harder it is.

"I think about you all the time. You're always on my mind. Yet I feel like there's nothing I can do about it."

So true. How many countless nights I've spent thinking of you. Thousands of dreams regarding you, regarding us. Sometimes, the dreams just feel so real that upon waking up, I wished so hard that it was real. That it was not a dream but reality. Alas, it wasn't.

Well, I guess I'll follow the motto as I've always done for this aspect. "If its yours, its yours. If its not, no matter how hard you try, it will never be. "

Or maybe I should update it a little with a new quote too.

"If two people are meant to be together, eventually they'll find their way back."

And so I wonder if we're meant to be together. 

Summer has started and I'm filled with so many mixed feelings.

Happy, sad, lazy hyper, lonely, busy, bored~

Yea, you get it.

Was supposed to go out today but didn't manage to in the end. Only went for my driving lessons and came home. Was feeling nostalgic so I went to dig up some old stuff and it made me miss the old times. Times when I was so carefree and happy. And as I continued reading on, I could feel the troubles creeping on my self then and so on. If only we didn't have to grow up, if only, things could stay the way they were then..

But if they did remain as they were, there would be no growth. 

Thoughts like these were flying through my head for the past week. I think stoning at home and not having to work mentally is causing these thoughts. During these times, I yearn for someone to just give me a hug, pat my head and tell me that everything is gonna be alright. Just like when you're a kid and your parents used to do that. But I guess at this age, it's kinda of hard. We can't just dream anymore, but it is time to start working hard and change these dreams into reality. 

I guess, with that being said, I need to start finding things to occupy myself to prevent my brain from wandering aimlessly and lest I delve deeper into the past and start living in it again. 

Alright! I can't wait for next week to arrive! Because there's gonna be..

.

.

.

AVENGERS!!! 

Woohooo!~

And I'm proud to say that I've packed up majority of my room! Looks so much neater! And at the same time, I've found some awesome old goodies! Shall share them in the next post~ =D

Time for my drama time! Enjoy the upcoming weekend! Jaa~

Welcome Home~

What is the best thing someone ever said to you?

Or maybe made an huge impact on you.

I guess some would say it's the famous three words: 

I love you

But to me, recently I found out what really impacted me a lot are these two simple words:

Welcome home~

Simple ya?

So simple and yet it can affect me so greatly. For me now, these words matter more to me than any declarations of love. Or maybe I'm just being cynical of the word 'love'. To me, the word 'love' is overused in today's times. Even for myself, I'll often ask, what is love?

How do you distinguish 'like', 'love', 'lust' and 'infatuation'?

Don't ask me to google it. =.= 

Anyway, back from digressing, why do I mention the importance of this now?

Because, recently, someone important to me who I respect greatly too said these two words to me. Well, three if you add in my name at the back but ya. 

When I heard these words, I just felt, 

'Oh yea, I'm home again. This is where I'm accepted for who I am and people who cares for me.'

Okay, it's not with a nonchalant tone but I was deeply touched when I heard those words directed at me. I feel accepted again. I mean, how many times have you heard those words? Somehow, I don't hear it frequently. Maybe it's due to growing up in an Asian culture where feelings aren't openly shown and as far as I can remember, the only indications my parents gave when they know I'm home are:

"Orh"

I'm not saying that I do not feel love from them but it just so happens that whenever I return home, they're busy with work or so and maybe within a family, it doesn't seem that important to say such greetings.

But I'm telling ya, it makes a difference!

Try saying these words to the next family member when they reach home. I'm not saying that it will have an impact on them immediately where a spotlight suddenly shines on you but it will slowly affect them. But if the next family member is an irritating sibling, you can skip it. Pssft. >.> I doubt I'll ever say it to my brother.

Alright! Ignore that last piece of 'advice'. Be nice to everyone, even if it's an irritating brother sibling. 

I wanted to do this post up earlier but I was kinda of overwhelmed with feelings. Somehow I'm a very very emotional person which is both a good and bad thing. More on that next time. So why overwhelmed?

Hearing someone said that he/she has never given up on me was and that was because he/she knew I would eventually find my way back. That was enough to make my tears fall. 

Upon hearing those words, I didn't know what to say. I feel like just saying thanks would not suffice at all. But deep down, I know what I have to do. Be there for them just as they are for me and most importantly, do not disappoint the people who care so much for me again. 

I've felt quite lost at times, being caught up in the hectic life of a undergraduate and feeling like life is just all about academic. Remember what I said about finding back who i really am, the crazy, fiery & 'blunt' person in my birthday post? I think I'm able to start on that search mission again.

Somehow, I feel like the prodigal son who has just returned home. He returned home not because he had nowhere to go, but because he knew that deep down, there is no place like home. As cliche as it sounds, this is what I'm feeling right now.

OH GOSH! I'M A WORRIER!

Alright, if you guys followed me on Twitter, you would have seen my tweet regarding me having a mild case of GAD & OCD.

Mild, that's what I think.

So what's GAD & OCD?

Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is a pattern of frequent, constant worry and anxiety over many different activities and events. 
(http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001915/)

Obsessive-compulsive disorder is an anxiety disorder in which people have unwanted and repeated thoughts, feelings, ideas, sensations (obsessions), or behaviors that make them feel driven to do something (compulsions).
(http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001926/)

Alright, I just googled them and those were the 1st links shown. Hahaha! But essentially, they were what I was learning about in Psychology class today.

During my readings, I read about GAD & didn't think much of it until Prof made us do a quiz to see if we're a worrier. Out of 13 points, majority of the people scored like 1, 0.7 and the highest I knew was a 4. Which implied that they weren't worriers. Can you guess my score?

.

.

.

.

.

8.34!!

I was like, "I'm screwed".

And right above my depressing score of 8.34 was a line from my Prof which goes:

If your score is 7 or above, you have a lot of worries.  You may be at risk for GAD.  You should seek advice and further assessment from the SMU Counseling Center.

Needless to say, I got teased badly by my friends after that.

So I was wondering, do I really worry that much? There were 4 main things that I listed down in my 'worry list' which were my studies, family, friends & future.

Don't people worry about them??!!

Gosh! And to add on to this 'discovery', when reading up about OCD, I realize I have a few compulsive behaviours. Like checking my bag repeatedly to ensure my wallet is there and pushing the door several many times to ensure it's lock. Small case, but I should just remind myself not to let it increase.

So for those people who were really concerned & messaged me, don't worry, it's just an official diagnosis from Dr. Jo. Hahahaha!

Anyway, just read something on my bestie blog and wanted to share! So sweeeeeeeet! And please, do not upload those old neoprints. I'll faint on the spot. Even looking at them, I think I will. (I'm your faithful stalker too! =P)

Tomorrow is my last day of school! Woohoo! Then it will be a week of studying before going for the final sprint: Finals! It's all gonna be over on 19th April! After that, I'm going to enjoy my summer!!

But before that, FINALS....=.=

Shall amuse myself with hairdye tomorrow~ Have shortlisted on a few colours but not really sure which one to go for~ Oh well, you get to see it tomorrow on Twitter I guess. Heehee!

Shall go off & rehearse my final presentation. Before that, shall share a small lame joke I made. (My friends insisted that it was a sign of GAD in me. Pssft!)

*Jo & Jian Hui queuing up for awesome pasta @ SMU*
*Pasta Stall Auntie recognizes us as people who always choing down during break to dapao food*

Jian Hui: 1 Carbonara please.
Pasta Stall Auntie: Ok! *scribbles order*
*JH pays*
Jo: Auntie, 1 Carbonara!
Pasta Stall Auntie: Oh, you two are together right!
Jo: Nope, we're not together but you can put our orders together! *smiles*

*Friends at the back face-palmed and die*

If you don't get the joke......... Well, I hope you do get the joke.

Hahahahah! It was pretty funny! Gonna miss my group mates a lot! Alright, more from me soon! Jaa~

One of my moods..

Been feeling downcast-ed recently. Have no idea why.

Alright, that might be a lie. I think I know the reason why but just refused to face the truth.

Maybe it's also due to my lack of sleep that's causing this. I've been sleeping only a few hours a night. Sometimes, it can be like 1 hour, if it's good, I can get 3 hours of sleep. I have no idea why but sleep seems to be evading me. If I do fall into slumber, dreams plagued me.

Hopefully all of this will soon be washed away.

Shall share a few stuff here~

Songs that have recently captured me in some way or another, mainly the lyrics.

Beyoncé - Poison

Avril Lavigne - Wish You Were Here

Sorry for such an emo post, I promise I'll try my best to cheer up and make this into an happy blog again!

P.S. Thanks to all who showed their concern & tried to cheer me up. <3 ~

Something that I chanced upon in FaceBook today. Felt it was quite a good description of how I am. Don't take it seriously yea~

By the way, it's in Chinese so Google Translate might be your good friend if you're interested. :)

【巨蟹座】 (6月22日 - 7月23日)

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=419584391390065&set=a.419579108057260.117610.151523654862808&type=3&theater

当巨蟹低下头跟你道歉，当巨蟹为你放下冷漠，当巨蟹为你流眼泪，当巨蟹为你做傻事，当巨蟹为你疯狂，当巨蟹为你冷落朋友，当巨蟹为你收敛霸道脾气，当巨蟹不断关心你，当巨蟹因为你喜怒无常；他放下了尊严、放下面子、流出眼泪还默默忍受：这是巨蟹爱你爱到骨子裡。

有时候，巨蟹希望时间停下，就这样和喜欢的人地老天荒；有时候，巨蟹发现身边的人都不瞭解自己，面对身边的人，突然觉得说不出话；有时候，在自己脆弱的时候，想一个人躲起来，不愿别人看到自己的伤口；有时候，巨蟹突然很想逃离现在的生活，想不顾一切收拾简单的行李去流浪。

巨蟹座一生都在寻找和等待一个懂自己的人。当被人误解、被人呵斥，蟹蟹只双眼噙满泪水或保持沉默，不愿意解释。因为蟹蟹一直相信如果你爱我，那必须懂我。所以蟹蟹在一些人眼裡会显得有点儿敏感，有点多愁善感。很多时候蟹蟹很想有个依靠，去理解蟹蟹，去对蟹蟹说：我懂你。

如果你爱上了巨蟹座，请你想清楚，
你是否会用尽全力爱上她的全部。
她的哭，她的笑，她的任性，她的敏感；
她的纠结，她的宽容，她的善良，她的温柔；
她的依赖，她的自私，她的天真，她的粗心；
她的疯狂，她的安静，她的情绪化，还有她同样用尽全力爱上你的全部的那颗心。

这个带著母性光辉的巨蟹是个有著浓浓怀旧情感的星座，至少要让他们感受到真切的情意，如果一再的暗示，等待似乎也成了无限期，对方还是没有什麼表示，那麼，他们也就不再说什麼了，因为是说出来后再给予的只会是要来的温柔，已失去了原本的意义，沉默的伤心，再悄悄的走了。
有时候超爱说话、有时候可以一整天不说话高兴的时候会拚命说话、不高兴的时候一句话也不说巨蟹座最注重的就是安全感希望被保护、却常常还是一个人。

巨蟹座很爱面子、遇到喜欢的人不会轻易地表露出来，除非你先表明心意、你永远都不知道、其实巨蟹也一直喜欢你。
巨蟹座们很爱朋友、无论和谁都能好在一起，所以请你别背叛巨蟹，因为巨蟹很容易哄、很容易就会原谅你的过错。

巨蟹座的孩子：
有点笨、有点疯、有点傻。
有时神经很大条、对朋友很真心。
面对爱情、怕受伤、爱逃避。
有时会很绝情、却还是心软。
很懒、怕孤独、爱安静、爱吃东西。

巨蟹座的人往往有点可爱、有点任性。
心计不多、闹完了不记仇的，心胸宽广、只是别激怒他。
他的热情可以把你融化，他会用偽装的冷漠和麻木吓退所有的追求者、只有真正懂的人才可以珍惜，为了爱、他可以放下所有的骄傲。

巨蟹很爱家、很念旧，不容许别人侵犯他的地盘，内向、把自己的心事埋在心底，但能成为别人倾诉的对像，习惯自己去面对自己的问题，胸部不是很平坦、就是很丰满，心情像月亮、常变化。

巨蟹平时总是嘻嘻哈哈、什麼都无所谓，可转过头、笑容裡分明有几分无奈。电话那头千嚀万嘱巨蟹、而回答总是＂我很好＂我没事＂放心吧＂。

巨蟹一个人呆著就会莫名其妙的想发呆、不知道想些什麼、又好像什麼也没想，总想找一个人倾诉、可是真有那麼一个人时、却又不知从何说起。

巨蟹座很恋旧情，内心设防较严重，很专情，真的喜欢一个人的话可以喜欢很久。生活态度很认真，感情略微有些慢热。一旦受伤后会记住很久，不容易癒合，但是会隐藏自己的内心，如果积攒了过多情绪的话，有可能会在一瞬间爆发。倾向於幽默的言语表达，信唸经常会随著现实的转变而变化。

巨蟹很容易恋爱、也很容易不爱，在他们心裡会有一个很爱的人、这个人对他们很重要！他们像个病人一样爱著这一个他很爱很在乎的人，就算他们不适合、没有在一起、巨蟹还是会爱也不会轻易放弃，因为他们很难找到一个他们很爱的人，他们对自己不好、有自虐倾向、但是他们却对自己在乎的人很好。
偏执、认定了的事就不会改变，也很内向、心中的话绝对不会说出口，他很难去真正相信一个人、永远孤独，告诉别人我很好、心中的苦自己才知道。

永远活在壳裡的胆小鬼，所以..巨蟹座的人很奇怪..

How will I measure MY life?

Today was the last lesson with my Management of People at Work (MPW) Professor. He posed us this question last week:

How will you measure your life?

There was an article regarding this by Clayton Christensen where he answers this question with 3 more questions:

1) How can I be sure that I'll be happy in my career?

2) How can I be sure that my relationships with my spouse and my family become an enduring source of happiness?

3) How can I be sure I'll stay out of jail?

I think all these 3 questions are really relevant, even the last one. Maybe some of us might just dismiss the 3rd question but don't. You never know what happens in life.

Christensen also talked about how important it is to know what is the purpose of your life and that, it might be the most valuable thing you ever learn. He goes on by saying that the knowledge we gain from our academics will be applied occasionally in our future but we will definitely apply our knowledge of the purpose of our lives everyday. 

That sentence had a great impact on me and just got me thinking. What is the purpose of my life? I know that ultimately whatever I do, it is for the glorification of God but what is the thing I can do best?

Hopefully I can get an answer soon.

I typed out quite a long essay regarding these 2 main questions. Maybe I'll post it up next time~

But in regards to the career-happiness question, I remember a quote that my mum always say,

"I have the best job in the world. I am paid to do what I love best."

As for the relationship-happiness question, my family are my parents now and that's all I can see now in regards to my future. Whether I will have a spouse, I have no idea. But as for my friends, they are definitely my family too. 

So, with these questions, I leave you peeps with one last quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that is kept close to my heart.

"Happiness is not a goal...it's a by-product of a life well lived.”