Relieved.. Sorta

Yea, feeling relieved that maybe after letting my blog rot off and  sink into the depths of dust bunnies, no one will bother to read it and its easier for me to blog freely. I guess today's post will be more like a rant I guess.

Or maybe just something I observe.

I dislike being normal. Perhaps the word 'common' is more appropriate. I love bright colours, colours that just stand out. I guess one of the reasons why I like pink is 'cos not a lot of people like to admit they do or rather shun away from pink. But I like it, it's an happy colour. Same goes for red. Never really a person to go for mainstream stuff. Especially when it comes to dressing or bags or shoes. I like something different. I want to be different. Can it be considered attention seeking? Maybe? But I'm not exactly craving for people to idolize me. Or even wanting. I don't think its so much of that assurance from others for me but more of my own opinion and feelings.

I had a really low self esteem when I was young. Always felt that there's no point in trying hard as in the end, I'm just huddled away like the rest while the privileged will just ascend to their pedestals. And somehow I'm always friends with the 'privileged'. Do note that I say this with an open heart and jestingly. Gotta admit that I did envy these people who seem to have everything. But as I got to know them better, I realized that life ain't a bed of roses for them. But then again. when is life a bed of roses. Thorns, yea.

When you envy someone, you tend to follow their actions or dressing to be more like them, in order to achieve what they have. But in the end, it's different. You may think you have achieved it but in the end, who are the people that you're trying to please accepting? Ok, that last sentence sounded a little confusing so hope you get it. I had to spend some time thinking if that made sense. Think it did. If you follow others and get accepted, you're just giving the world a clone of someone else. The people who accept you then, are they truly accepting you? Are you accepting yourself? I wasn't. I dislike myself.

But in the end, after lots of Ups & Downs, I gradually found myself and start accepting it. It isn't easy. We're all flawed. And it isn't easy looking at others 'perfect' lives, but it isn't so perfect you know. It may seem like they're living The Life when we view it through their Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.. but that's what they most probably want others to see. Not saying it's wrong. I do that too. It's just that, we tend to post the highlights of our lives, the interesting stuff.

Ok, think I have side-tracked quite a little. Where did the rant I had in mind ran off too? The rant that ran away. =.=

Oh yea. So I mentioned that I don't really like mainstream stuff, and as the people around me will know, I can't handle being restrained. And I need adrenaline in my life. So yea, I like to dress up, I like to take pictures of me. I prefer taking my own pictures and I still feel kinda of awkward when posing for others. I like pretty and cute things. I try to mix my styles and all. Of course I'm no genius. I think I suck at art. Ok, cancel the thinking. I suck at art. I'm no fashion designer. I browse magazines, tv programs and whatsnot for fashion advice, yada yada yada. But I don't follow blindly. I know me. I might not know expertly what suits me externally/physically but I know what suits me inside. Sporty? Chic? Pinky? Demure? Grunge? I know what I feel like on specific days and that often set the mood for my attire or so.

Never one to fix on just a specific style.

So I like to think I have my own style. And I feel it's different from usual? At least slightly? And by own style, I meant when I do make the effort to dress up. On lazy days or school days, I'm usually just in my usual shorts & tees. And I feel my own style is not just limited to my attire but my attitude and the way I do things around me.

Ahh, coming to the main point now. Maybe I shall be blunt and just blurt it out.

I dislike it when others copy my style.

Copy might be too harsh a word. How bout 'follow'? I'm not saying that I have a throng of followers but it's just something I dislike. A few or even just one person doing that is enough to get on my nerves. And I seriously doubt I'll ever get my own fan-base.

Do you ever get those situations or moments that when you first started doing/wearing/loving something that wasn't part of the mainstream but after a while, everyone around you seems to be doing/wearing/loving it? I have. Not saying that I brought around the change. Goodness no, I ain't that capable. But maybe social channels brought it up a lot and people start to only take notice then and suddenly, boosh! It's an 'In Thing'. Like dramas or styles, etc. Bah!

Or maybe someone actually did follow your actions and whatsnot. Not sure about you but I find it pretty irritating at times.

Of course, as girls, there is the situation of someone wearing the same outfit as you and all of a sudden, the space around y'all darkens considerably. Most of the time. If not planned.

Among my friends, we have similar outfits or even the same outfit but  I don't really mind. Because I know they have their own way of wearing it and I have mine. There's often the situation where my friends will ask me if I mind them getting the same clothing item as me or vice-versa. And I really don't mind. Note: Friends

But when it's not my friends, or perhaps not my close friends, I get slightly irritated. Or more. Sometimes I just get the feeling that it's been violated. Whatever the subject is. Not that I'm the creator of it but still. There's just this URGH feeling in me. And most of the time, I get so turned off that I just give up on it till the 'fad' or the copying is over before bringing back in. Unless it's something I hold dear, then I'll probably fight with my dear life. Whatever that means in different situations.

So yea, I thought it would be a really short post with me just ranting a little but I guess I just had to explain and poof! The words just kept coming and it churned out a not-so-short post.

Still feeling a little irked by some recent incidents which caused this post but then again, I just 'gave up' on it. Not really something I love so it's alright. I'll go back to it when it more or less dies off.

But just a little something. Call it my pride or ego talking. When I do/wear something, it's usually something I'm confident of so I'm pretty sure I do/wear it much better than most people who just follow or catch on later. Take that!

One of my moods..

Been feeling downcast-ed recently. Have no idea why.

Alright, that might be a lie. I think I know the reason why but just refused to face the truth.

Maybe it's also due to my lack of sleep that's causing this. I've been sleeping only a few hours a night. Sometimes, it can be like 1 hour, if it's good, I can get 3 hours of sleep. I have no idea why but sleep seems to be evading me. If I do fall into slumber, dreams plagued me.

Hopefully all of this will soon be washed away.

Shall share a few stuff here~

Songs that have recently captured me in some way or another, mainly the lyrics.

Beyoncé - Poison

Avril Lavigne - Wish You Were Here

Sorry for such an emo post, I promise I'll try my best to cheer up and make this into an happy blog again!

P.S. Thanks to all who showed their concern & tried to cheer me up. <3 ~

Something that I chanced upon in FaceBook today. Felt it was quite a good description of how I am. Don't take it seriously yea~

By the way, it's in Chinese so Google Translate might be your good friend if you're interested. :)

【巨蟹座】 (6月22日 - 7月23日)

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=419584391390065&set=a.419579108057260.117610.151523654862808&type=3&theater

当巨蟹低下头跟你道歉，当巨蟹为你放下冷漠，当巨蟹为你流眼泪，当巨蟹为你做傻事，当巨蟹为你疯狂，当巨蟹为你冷落朋友，当巨蟹为你收敛霸道脾气，当巨蟹不断关心你，当巨蟹因为你喜怒无常；他放下了尊严、放下面子、流出眼泪还默默忍受：这是巨蟹爱你爱到骨子裡。

有时候，巨蟹希望时间停下，就这样和喜欢的人地老天荒；有时候，巨蟹发现身边的人都不瞭解自己，面对身边的人，突然觉得说不出话；有时候，在自己脆弱的时候，想一个人躲起来，不愿别人看到自己的伤口；有时候，巨蟹突然很想逃离现在的生活，想不顾一切收拾简单的行李去流浪。

巨蟹座一生都在寻找和等待一个懂自己的人。当被人误解、被人呵斥，蟹蟹只双眼噙满泪水或保持沉默，不愿意解释。因为蟹蟹一直相信如果你爱我，那必须懂我。所以蟹蟹在一些人眼裡会显得有点儿敏感，有点多愁善感。很多时候蟹蟹很想有个依靠，去理解蟹蟹，去对蟹蟹说：我懂你。

如果你爱上了巨蟹座，请你想清楚，
你是否会用尽全力爱上她的全部。
她的哭，她的笑，她的任性，她的敏感；
她的纠结，她的宽容，她的善良，她的温柔；
她的依赖，她的自私，她的天真，她的粗心；
她的疯狂，她的安静，她的情绪化，还有她同样用尽全力爱上你的全部的那颗心。

这个带著母性光辉的巨蟹是个有著浓浓怀旧情感的星座，至少要让他们感受到真切的情意，如果一再的暗示，等待似乎也成了无限期，对方还是没有什麼表示，那麼，他们也就不再说什麼了，因为是说出来后再给予的只会是要来的温柔，已失去了原本的意义，沉默的伤心，再悄悄的走了。
有时候超爱说话、有时候可以一整天不说话高兴的时候会拚命说话、不高兴的时候一句话也不说巨蟹座最注重的就是安全感希望被保护、却常常还是一个人。

巨蟹座很爱面子、遇到喜欢的人不会轻易地表露出来，除非你先表明心意、你永远都不知道、其实巨蟹也一直喜欢你。
巨蟹座们很爱朋友、无论和谁都能好在一起，所以请你别背叛巨蟹，因为巨蟹很容易哄、很容易就会原谅你的过错。

巨蟹座的孩子：
有点笨、有点疯、有点傻。
有时神经很大条、对朋友很真心。
面对爱情、怕受伤、爱逃避。
有时会很绝情、却还是心软。
很懒、怕孤独、爱安静、爱吃东西。

巨蟹座的人往往有点可爱、有点任性。
心计不多、闹完了不记仇的，心胸宽广、只是别激怒他。
他的热情可以把你融化，他会用偽装的冷漠和麻木吓退所有的追求者、只有真正懂的人才可以珍惜，为了爱、他可以放下所有的骄傲。

巨蟹很爱家、很念旧，不容许别人侵犯他的地盘，内向、把自己的心事埋在心底，但能成为别人倾诉的对像，习惯自己去面对自己的问题，胸部不是很平坦、就是很丰满，心情像月亮、常变化。

巨蟹平时总是嘻嘻哈哈、什麼都无所谓，可转过头、笑容裡分明有几分无奈。电话那头千嚀万嘱巨蟹、而回答总是＂我很好＂我没事＂放心吧＂。

巨蟹一个人呆著就会莫名其妙的想发呆、不知道想些什麼、又好像什麼也没想，总想找一个人倾诉、可是真有那麼一个人时、却又不知从何说起。

巨蟹座很恋旧情，内心设防较严重，很专情，真的喜欢一个人的话可以喜欢很久。生活态度很认真，感情略微有些慢热。一旦受伤后会记住很久，不容易癒合，但是会隐藏自己的内心，如果积攒了过多情绪的话，有可能会在一瞬间爆发。倾向於幽默的言语表达，信唸经常会随著现实的转变而变化。

巨蟹很容易恋爱、也很容易不爱，在他们心裡会有一个很爱的人、这个人对他们很重要！他们像个病人一样爱著这一个他很爱很在乎的人，就算他们不适合、没有在一起、巨蟹还是会爱也不会轻易放弃，因为他们很难找到一个他们很爱的人，他们对自己不好、有自虐倾向、但是他们却对自己在乎的人很好。
偏执、认定了的事就不会改变，也很内向、心中的话绝对不会说出口，他很难去真正相信一个人、永远孤独，告诉别人我很好、心中的苦自己才知道。

永远活在壳裡的胆小鬼，所以..巨蟹座的人很奇怪..

How will I measure MY life?

Today was the last lesson with my Management of People at Work (MPW) Professor. He posed us this question last week:

How will you measure your life?

There was an article regarding this by Clayton Christensen where he answers this question with 3 more questions:

1) How can I be sure that I'll be happy in my career?

2) How can I be sure that my relationships with my spouse and my family become an enduring source of happiness?

3) How can I be sure I'll stay out of jail?

I think all these 3 questions are really relevant, even the last one. Maybe some of us might just dismiss the 3rd question but don't. You never know what happens in life.

Christensen also talked about how important it is to know what is the purpose of your life and that, it might be the most valuable thing you ever learn. He goes on by saying that the knowledge we gain from our academics will be applied occasionally in our future but we will definitely apply our knowledge of the purpose of our lives everyday. 

That sentence had a great impact on me and just got me thinking. What is the purpose of my life? I know that ultimately whatever I do, it is for the glorification of God but what is the thing I can do best?

Hopefully I can get an answer soon.

I typed out quite a long essay regarding these 2 main questions. Maybe I'll post it up next time~

But in regards to the career-happiness question, I remember a quote that my mum always say,

"I have the best job in the world. I am paid to do what I love best."

As for the relationship-happiness question, my family are my parents now and that's all I can see now in regards to my future. Whether I will have a spouse, I have no idea. But as for my friends, they are definitely my family too. 

So, with these questions, I leave you peeps with one last quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that is kept close to my heart.

"Happiness is not a goal...it's a by-product of a life well lived.”