Post Wedding Feelings

Just attended my brother's wedding and though I'm not very close to him now as I once was, I'm glad that he finally found someone to set up a family with. During the wedding, I can't help but think about how I would like mine to be in the future, if ever given the chance. It totally helps that I have loads of relative & friends asking me when will it be my turn. My best answer that night was "Remember, my brother and I have an eight years gap, Ask me 8 years later." Bwahahaha! The look on their faces were hilarious.

Which girl doesn't dream of her own wedding? No idea. But I do, and I wonder if I'll ever have a chance to realize this event of mine. How I want things to take place, the kind of dresses I want, the bridesmaids, the games to play, the videos and many more. Most girls would have their dream wedding planned ages ago, but for me, who love events & weddings, the urge to plan it, to encounter all the chaos that comes with it is even much more. Maybe I can consider the route of a wedding planner. Heh~

But yes, my wedding, if any. Would I ever have a chance to plan my own? I guess, marriage to me now is out of the question. Rather, the kind of wedding I want ain't possible. And the reasons why I want a wedding now are totally superficial. I just want the pomp and the flare~ Not really just that but the rest are non-applicable. So it's impossible. But yea, even though it seems impossible, a girl can dream ya.

Pfft~

Complicated

Yea, what a generic and cliche title post I have up there. But indeed, I'm starting to feel that my life is starting to be more complicated. And there are times where I have no idea what I want. That might sound like the total opposite of me, seeing that I usually lay out my goals straight down. I have no idea why I'm feeling this moody today or frustrated. Maybe it's the 'curse' that I deemed that I have, or perhaps I'm doing some contradicting actions in my life. And there's this question that keeps lingering in my mind. What was I doing a year back? 2 years back. 3 years and even 4 years ago? Why this period? I guess Natsu period has always been one of excitement. Especially the post period. Without fail, there's always something there.

I really hope the 'curse' won't follow through this time. It's really kinda of tiring to go through just that quite a few times. I say that but yet I do something against it.

I guessed I'm pretty tired and am mumbling on. Which is a sign I should sleep soon. And yeaps. Just wanted to blogged out a little of what I'm feeling.

Good night and may I find the route I wish to take in life.

Marriage?

What is marriage to you? Is it a process of life? Why do you set it as a process of life? Is it due to the fact that in Singapore, if you aren't married, you can't bid for your own apartment? If that's the case, are you marrying for the sake of a property?

Maybe you might say that it's a lifelong commitment & with marriage, it binds your partner to you. But if two parties know their own relationships & are committed to each other for the long haul, do you really need a piece of legal paper to 'bind' you? Besides, with the increasing divorce rates, it ain't that binding after all. I do have comments from people, usually females, saying that once they are married, their partner wouldn't 'run away' or go astray. Really? How do you explain affairs & those cheating websites? If someone is really going astray, it doesn't matter if he/she is in a marriage or not. 

People judge. If you aren't married by a certain age, the society sees you as in a different light. A negative one at that. Your family will change from asking you about your future plans & start whispering both in front & behind your back. But the question here is, are you going to let yourself be pulled along by others? Do they know what's truly best for you? Better than yourself? Think again. 

I know I sound really cynical here and that I'm anti-marriage but really, no. I love weddings. I get all sappy at movie weddings and I used to think of the different kinds of wedding I could have. Beach, garden, Disney, etc. I was just like any other girl who dreamed of her Prince Charming who will one day sweep her off her feet. However, life opened my eyes along with reality. There's no one sweeping me off my floor except my dad whenever my room is dusty. 

Despite reality's harsh lessons, I still dream of getting a proposal I'll never forget (positively I hope) & my dream wedding. What's my dream wedding? Just a ceremony with my man. To see if there is any change in his eyes when he sees me when I'm the most beautiful, that I'll supposedly ever be, in my life. Along with an unique wedding ceremony. But I guess I won't really mind if I don't get my marriage. Cos to me, if my man is going to run, he will run. Even if he is legally bound to me. My marriage is just for my man to fulfill my childhood fantasies (vice-versa) & for him to be my Prince Charming. And most importantly, to enter a mutual commitment to each other. 

Of course marriage has its 'perks' & necessities. Besides getting the right to bid for an apartment & smirking at nosy relatives, it paves the way to have a family easier & cause no confusion for your kids, if any. Kids.. That's a topic for another day.

I guess, in the end, after 6 paragraphs, all I wanted to say is, know why you're getting married. Or why you're putting marriage as a step in your life. Don't do it for the wrong reasons. I know people will probably think I do not have enough personal experiences to speak of such stuff but I think I've seen a fair bit around me. Enough for questions to form in my head. To the readers of this article, I wish you a future you desire. 

Jo

A means to an end?

Maybe its the exposure to the many different ethical views of people..
Maybe I'm tired of people treating me for granted..
Maybe I'm sick of getting disappointed by people
Maybe I'm just worn out from being an alternative.
Maybe I'm irritated by all the double standards
Maybe I'm exhausted with all the secrets
Maybe I'm tired of feeling
Maybe, just maybe, it's better to be alone.
No attachments, no expectations, no feelings, no disappointments, no rules, no hellos, no farewells, just nothing.

Yea, that sums up how I'm feeling these few days. Is it that hard, that painful to have what I yearn for? Perhaps it's only this difficult 'cos its me? I truly meant what I said up there. I'm really tired of feeling. If only there is some miraculous drink or treatment which I can partake and kill all feelings in me, would I feel happier? Guess I wouldn't know as all feelings in me would have died. But one thing I'm sure of, I wouldn't feel any pain, disappointments, sadness or give a shit about what anyone thinks or expects of me. That feels like an ideal world for me now. But I can't go there, can I?

The closest thing I can get to it now is death. And it feels so welcoming, so tempting.

I know this is an emo shitty post but yea. I just want to crawl into a dark deep hole, huddle my knees around my chest and cover the hole up. No one is to enter. No one is able to hurt me then. No pain will be able to penetrate it. After I've recovered and am feeling stronger, I'll climb back up again, on my own. And then, the world may once again use me as they wish to. But for me, let me be shut in my hole.

Circle of Life

Sounds familiar? Lion king is one of my favourite Disney movies. Love all 3 movies! But yea, circle of life. I saw something this morning when I woke up. It was the full final ending of my favourite Chinese Drama: 步步惊心. They finally released their 'full' version. The drama was adopted from a chinese online novel and the original ending was.. shall I spoil? Oh, whatever. Spoiler Alert!

The original ending of the novel was that when Ruo Xi died in the Qing Dynasty, she really died. But in the drama, they revived her back to the 21st century when she 'died'. And of course, she met the modernized Yong Zhen who couldn't recognize her. Heart-wrenching I tell ya. I think for the last few episodes, I was just bawling my eyes out. Like seriously bad. So for the full ending they released a few days ago, it was revealed that the car accident which caused Ruo Xi to travel back in time, is due to Si Ye's driving. So ya, it feels like a circle. It was 'Si Ye' who brought her to Qing Dynasty, and through all those situations. And they fell for each other. But in the end, their love was so strong, that they burned each other. He wanted to protect her from all harm by getting rid of any that pose a threat to her but alas, he burned her too.

This is what I typed on Facebook after watching and crying:

原来.. 最总，是这样。是个圈。一场悲'爱'剧。四爷和若曦，两人如此相爱但又不能在一起。醒来就看到这，眼泪就又再开始流了。真绞心。

Yea, I still tear. Even at their new MV. Sigh. Today is the 1st day of the filming for the sequel. Praying it'll be good and I'm going to stalk their weibo! =D

So kinda of made me think, there is always cause and effect in everything we do. Just like Cloud Atlas. I really like that show too. Awesome show!

Sigh, alright, leaving a little down and all 'cos of the 2 BBJX videos I watch today. The ending is just too bittersweet. Hoepfully the sequel, will be alright. :)

Enjoy the weekend ahead!~

Relieved.. Sorta

Yea, feeling relieved that maybe after letting my blog rot off and  sink into the depths of dust bunnies, no one will bother to read it and its easier for me to blog freely. I guess today's post will be more like a rant I guess.

Or maybe just something I observe.

I dislike being normal. Perhaps the word 'common' is more appropriate. I love bright colours, colours that just stand out. I guess one of the reasons why I like pink is 'cos not a lot of people like to admit they do or rather shun away from pink. But I like it, it's an happy colour. Same goes for red. Never really a person to go for mainstream stuff. Especially when it comes to dressing or bags or shoes. I like something different. I want to be different. Can it be considered attention seeking? Maybe? But I'm not exactly craving for people to idolize me. Or even wanting. I don't think its so much of that assurance from others for me but more of my own opinion and feelings.

I had a really low self esteem when I was young. Always felt that there's no point in trying hard as in the end, I'm just huddled away like the rest while the privileged will just ascend to their pedestals. And somehow I'm always friends with the 'privileged'. Do note that I say this with an open heart and jestingly. Gotta admit that I did envy these people who seem to have everything. But as I got to know them better, I realized that life ain't a bed of roses for them. But then again. when is life a bed of roses. Thorns, yea.

When you envy someone, you tend to follow their actions or dressing to be more like them, in order to achieve what they have. But in the end, it's different. You may think you have achieved it but in the end, who are the people that you're trying to please accepting? Ok, that last sentence sounded a little confusing so hope you get it. I had to spend some time thinking if that made sense. Think it did. If you follow others and get accepted, you're just giving the world a clone of someone else. The people who accept you then, are they truly accepting you? Are you accepting yourself? I wasn't. I dislike myself.

But in the end, after lots of Ups & Downs, I gradually found myself and start accepting it. It isn't easy. We're all flawed. And it isn't easy looking at others 'perfect' lives, but it isn't so perfect you know. It may seem like they're living The Life when we view it through their Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc.. but that's what they most probably want others to see. Not saying it's wrong. I do that too. It's just that, we tend to post the highlights of our lives, the interesting stuff.

Ok, think I have side-tracked quite a little. Where did the rant I had in mind ran off too? The rant that ran away. =.=

Oh yea. So I mentioned that I don't really like mainstream stuff, and as the people around me will know, I can't handle being restrained. And I need adrenaline in my life. So yea, I like to dress up, I like to take pictures of me. I prefer taking my own pictures and I still feel kinda of awkward when posing for others. I like pretty and cute things. I try to mix my styles and all. Of course I'm no genius. I think I suck at art. Ok, cancel the thinking. I suck at art. I'm no fashion designer. I browse magazines, tv programs and whatsnot for fashion advice, yada yada yada. But I don't follow blindly. I know me. I might not know expertly what suits me externally/physically but I know what suits me inside. Sporty? Chic? Pinky? Demure? Grunge? I know what I feel like on specific days and that often set the mood for my attire or so.

Never one to fix on just a specific style.

So I like to think I have my own style. And I feel it's different from usual? At least slightly? And by own style, I meant when I do make the effort to dress up. On lazy days or school days, I'm usually just in my usual shorts & tees. And I feel my own style is not just limited to my attire but my attitude and the way I do things around me.

Ahh, coming to the main point now. Maybe I shall be blunt and just blurt it out.

I dislike it when others copy my style.

Copy might be too harsh a word. How bout 'follow'? I'm not saying that I have a throng of followers but it's just something I dislike. A few or even just one person doing that is enough to get on my nerves. And I seriously doubt I'll ever get my own fan-base.

Do you ever get those situations or moments that when you first started doing/wearing/loving something that wasn't part of the mainstream but after a while, everyone around you seems to be doing/wearing/loving it? I have. Not saying that I brought around the change. Goodness no, I ain't that capable. But maybe social channels brought it up a lot and people start to only take notice then and suddenly, boosh! It's an 'In Thing'. Like dramas or styles, etc. Bah!

Or maybe someone actually did follow your actions and whatsnot. Not sure about you but I find it pretty irritating at times.

Of course, as girls, there is the situation of someone wearing the same outfit as you and all of a sudden, the space around y'all darkens considerably. Most of the time. If not planned.

Among my friends, we have similar outfits or even the same outfit but  I don't really mind. Because I know they have their own way of wearing it and I have mine. There's often the situation where my friends will ask me if I mind them getting the same clothing item as me or vice-versa. And I really don't mind. Note: Friends

But when it's not my friends, or perhaps not my close friends, I get slightly irritated. Or more. Sometimes I just get the feeling that it's been violated. Whatever the subject is. Not that I'm the creator of it but still. There's just this URGH feeling in me. And most of the time, I get so turned off that I just give up on it till the 'fad' or the copying is over before bringing back in. Unless it's something I hold dear, then I'll probably fight with my dear life. Whatever that means in different situations.

So yea, I thought it would be a really short post with me just ranting a little but I guess I just had to explain and poof! The words just kept coming and it churned out a not-so-short post.

Still feeling a little irked by some recent incidents which caused this post but then again, I just 'gave up' on it. Not really something I love so it's alright. I'll go back to it when it more or less dies off.

But just a little something. Call it my pride or ego talking. When I do/wear something, it's usually something I'm confident of so I'm pretty sure I do/wear it much better than most people who just follow or catch on later. Take that!

Sometimes..

Sometimes I wish that I weren't so perceptive. Ain't that observant. And maybe even sharp-minded. 'Cos then, the pain, troubles & worries that come my way will probably lessen. Then perhaps, I wouldn't be blogging this at 2am through my phone whilst lying on my bed, trying to sleep.

Ever had those moments where you know that if you do not sleep in the next few minutes, you're gonna be so screwed the next day but yet your mind just refuse to stop working. Well, having this situation now. The wheels in my mind just keep turning & screwing. Not sure if that's a good thing. I have less than 5 hours before I need to prepare for work tomorrow but right now, my mind is going: "Hah! Did you realize ...-blank-...? And by the way, maybe it was yada yada yada~"

Yea, obviously I won't bore you with what is actually screwing my mind now. Hah!

I feel that I'm not a smart person. Smartass, maybe. But I would say I catch on pretty well. Better than what I actually like at times. Sometimes, I just wish I didn't know. That I didn't see it, or hear it or just, know it. And what really sucks is when people try so hard to cover it up? And then you see everything. 

And that's when doubts are raised which lead us to this post. Bah!

I wish that is an 'Off' button for my mind. Just switch it off & fall into a deep slumber.

Alright, I shall attempt to find a switch & fix it now.

Try to have a good sleep people~

Once again..

Yeaps, you saw it right. I'm back once again. And this time, let's just strip it bare. Just you & me. Words, words and more words. Call it laziness or tiring, all those old posts I wanted to blog about, mainly filled with pictures and all, are non-existent. I lost quite a bulk of photos last year when my baby Vaio crashed. And I only recovered 80gb worth of photos. I know that sounds like there's a lot of photos but trust me, there were more. So yea, after retrieving my photos, I didn't really went to sort them out. So good news, no backlog! Well, good news for me.

Had the urge this morning to revamp my blog. But after going through yet another meeting in school, I felt too lazy AND tired to do it. Since the last time I blogged, there were countless of times I wanted to blog but I felt suppressed. Restricted. So many things I wanted to say but yet, I can't. So many things I want to share, to shout to the world, to note it down for myself in this personal space of mine but I guess with technology now, it isn't really that personal anymore. And for people who tell me to just blog it all out, you peeps are nuts.

Suppression. It's a love-hate relationship for me. How many relationships have I blown up with that? Some I managed to salvaged but some.. It's my bad habit. Suppressing issues and all. Maybe I'm being too nice, or a coward or avoiding conflicts, whatever you call it, I do that. Just can't seem to stop myself. I try and I guess I did change a little but it's still really hard for me. But I'm wishing with all my might and strength that I won't blow up anymore relationships due to this bad habit. Note: Relationships =/= Boy-Girl Relationships.

I guess this is just a random post I decided to do so some random updates? Currently still studying, 1.5 more years to go. Bad & good news for me again. I got an HP Spectre XT to replace my Vaio. Going for an exchange to Vancouver UBC soon in June for a few months. Hmm, what other happenings? None really. I guess I'm a pretty boring person. Oh well, I accept that. Whahahaha!

I predict that after this post, I'll probably 'die' off the surface of this blog again and update like.. Ok. I don't really have an answer for that. Haha! But I guess I'll still be pretty active on the other social media channels like Twitter, Instagram and probably Facebook? iPhone is just handy. Oh yea! Currently addicted to Line Play. =X Guilty as charged. So kudos! Signing off!~

Chinese Songs~

Yes, you did not read wrong. I'm sharing a Chinese song here. I've been listening to more Chinese songs since I started working. There are quite a few songs that I really like so here are two of them. Same title, but different artistes.

Both songs are titled 暗恋 which is secretly admiring or having a crush on someone. 

Here's 暗恋 by 陶喆.

暗恋 by 張智成 

May these songs bring the same bitter-sweet feelings to you as they have brought to me. 

Upon returning to Singapore, I'm brought back to reality. I thought I cleared my thoughts when I was in Bangkok but apparently not. Going to bed is now like a double-edged sword. Before I actually fall asleep, I have to battle with my thoughts which are armed with sadness and pain. But when I finally conquer that, most of the time I get pleasant dreams as a reward.

However, in the end, it doesn't matter. 'Cos no matter how nice and how realistic the dream was, when the time comes, I wake up and realize, it was only just a dream. Ahh~

I want to travel again. I guess, only when I'm travelling, I'm able to put down these thoughts. I need to travel. It might not be the solution, but it is the painkiller for me now. (So 'cheesy' & cliche. Whahahaha!)

All in all, I need to travel soon. A short getaway seems lovely.
Meh~

I'm flying off!

After months, weeks, days of countdown, I'm finally flying off to Bangkok tomorrow! 

WOOHOOO! 

Excited to the max for my trip this time round. Few reasons why I'm so hyped up. 

1) I'm travelling again. (Duh) 

I think I have been bitten by the travel bug since secondary school. One of my resolution is to travel to a new country every year, or a country that I love going back to. So this time, Bangkok is the place for me. Or it might be Taiwan for this December. 

2) Travelling with my awesome sisters this time round! 

Have known Xin Ru, Xin Yi & Xin Lei since we were kiddos. Though we have been friends/sisters for so long, we've never really been on a trip like this together! Xin Lei & I shall be lovely light bulbs this time round. Xin Ru's boyf is stationed in Bangkok while Xin Yi's boyf is also travelling with us. 2 couples & 2 single ladies. Never mind, Xin Lei shall be my temporary boyf. Whahaha! Really looking forward to spending time with them!It's just too bad Joy & Jean couldn't join us this time round. But then, there will always be a next time ya!

3) Bangkok = Shopping Paradise!

YES! SHOPPING! I've kinda of cold turkey-ed myself from shopping for quite some time. So I have a feeling I might go crazy there. Hehe~ I'm bringing a really large EMPTY luggage there. So yea, gonna fill it to the brim. And if I don't shop, means I have no clothes to wear for the rest of the time I'm there. 

4) Away from family

As much as I adore my family, sometimes I just wish to get away from the dramas and nonsense. This 1 week will be a good time for me to recuperate and be more prepared for whatever stuff they have when I'm back. 

5) Some alone time away from..

Yes, hopefully taking some time away and not being able to see some people will allow me to clear my head and know what I truly want. 'Nuff said.

So tadaa~ I have so many reasons to be excited about tomorrow! Muahaha! Oh! And I forgot to mention, Jas Ang and her boyf will also be travelling to Bangkok this week and we'll be flying back together. And my Penang cousin and her husband will be there too! Super coincidence and uh, yea. Light-bulb again. >.>

Been feeling much happier recently. Maybe it's cos July is here and Natsu is gradually approaching. Means Yukata time! Eeeps! But I know the main reason why. I really feel love from my friends. My dear sisters and my dear 'family'. By this 'family', I do not mean the ones from the No. 4 reasons. They are friends who I feel so thankful to God for putting them in my life. Really grateful to have them. 

I know that in the month of June I have worried quite a few people. People from all different stages of my life in one way or another. I'm sorry if I couldn't speak to you much especially about why I was downcast. I know that maybe just by telling your troubles to others might relieve the burden from my shoulders but I just couldn't do it. I'm really thankful for the concern you guys gave. And I want to thank God for placing this good buddy of mine back in my life. Really. And with this, I should really stop blogging and go settle my Bangkok itty-bitty details. Like printing the boarding pass and all. Jaa! Cya in a week's time! In the mean time, thanks to my friend's constant nagging and bargaining, I've signed up for Instagram in exchange for not bringing my camera to Bangkok. Username is JoXianna! Will be posting up goodies from Bangkok! 

Byebye!